Money worries about going solo
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Category: Support
Forum Name: Single parenting
Forum Description: Share tips, trials and tribulations about parenting alone
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=41599
Printed Date: 27 November 2024 at 7:58pm
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Topic: Money worries about going solo
Posted By: kalias1
Subject: Money worries about going solo
Date Posted: 20 February 2012 at 1:09pm
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Hi there,
I'm finally really trying to build up the courage to end my marriage, and go solo with my 13 month old DD. I know I'm jumping ahead here but I need to try to get a clearer idea of how things might go. I'm hoping knowledge will give me the power to make the leap. Plus I want to do the best for DD, and I fear husband will turn on me as soon as I tell him (not physically). If anyone can help with any of these questions, or give me some advice I'd appreciate it! I don't want to go back to work until DD is at least 2. My husband works full time. So I figure I'd get DBP, hopefully accom allowance, and child support. But I'm not clear - does the child support from husband just go to winz/ird to cover the dbp? Will I see any of it? could my husband argue that I should go back to work (I don't have a job to go back to though) so he doesn't have to pay so much? Any ideas on how he & I work out how much he should pay? He got a promotion last year, and at the end of the financial year he's due to get a decent payment as a profit share with the company owners. If we split before then, would I be entitled to half of it as it's for his whole year's work? Should I try to stay in our house (short term or long term), or leave & find a rental? Not working I doubt I'd be able to up the mortgage to buy him out anyway. If we were to sell the house, and I got a lump sum payment, will that affect my dbp payments? (I've heard it will). Oh, and how have people managed to divide the house contents etc? I picture it turning into a huge argument. Is it safe to assume I'd get all the baby related stuff (he won't want much if any custody til she's older) And can anyone recommend a good family lawyer on the North Shore? I guess that's the next stop? Wow, scary putting it down in writing. Sorry it's so long! |
Replies:
Posted By: cheekymouse
Date Posted: 20 February 2012 at 7:31pm
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Hiya, I'm a single mum to a 20 month old. Was on DPB for 3 months then went back to full time work when DS was 5 months old.
I don't know the answer to all your questions, but when your on the DPB, you don't see any of the child support money, you only get this if you are working. As far as I am aware, the amount of child support you get is based on his annual income. (unless you come to a personal agreement) And i believe this has to be done through IRD if u are on the DPB. Hope that helps. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: KirstyO
Date Posted: 20 February 2012 at 7:56pm
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Hi kalias My husband and I separated last year, and I'm a single mum to 2 boys: 3yrs & 6mnths. It is a really hard decision to make, especially when thinking of any children involved. But if it has to be done, it has to be done. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Being on your own with DD means you will get DPB from WINZ, accomodation supp from WINZ (the amount depends on your assets and where you live) and Working for Families (formerly known as child support) from IRD. As far as I know, IRD will pay you the WFF regardless of your husband's child support payments. I believe that the IRD chase him for CS to recoup some of the money they are already paying you. I THINK that is how it works for me, but I'm not 100% sure. But you have to fill out a claim form for CS when applying for the DPB. I don't think you actually receive CS payments from him. What you choose to do with regard to whether or not you return to work is none of his business & I don't think it matters if he tries to argue that you should/could go back to work. Before I applied for CS I rang IRD and they were really helpful. They were able to tell me approx what I would get from CS based on his income (which, incidentally, is based on his income from this time last year).
I don't know much about dividing house contents and mutually owned houses, sorry. But a lawyer could advise you about that also. You may be entitled to legal aid to help with lawyers? Let us know how you get on. Hugs xo ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 20 February 2012 at 9:58pm
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As a single mum you would be entitled to DPB, accommodation supplement, Working for Families (but not the in work tax credit part of it) PLUS any amount of child support (CS) that he pays that is above the amount of DPB you are paid per month. Which usually means none LOL
His CS payments would be calculated based on the last financial year, and they do an adjustment at the end of the current financial year. Whether or not you work is irrelevant when it comes to assessing CS. I work full time, now have a partner and it doesn't affect how much CS he has to pay - that is calculated on HIS earnings alone. The things that DO affect it, are if he has a new partner and there are children (even if they aren't his). You have no say in how much he pays - it is set by IRD and paid to WINZ when you are on a benefit, otherwise if you do a private arrangement between you it is classed as income and your benefit has deductions made to balance it out. As for the relationship property - no you wouldn't be entitled to half of that payment, if you left before the end of the financial year. I moved out of our home, and got a rental. It was just easier. My girls had just turned 1. He stayed and paid half of the mortgage (as did I) until such time as we sold it (approx 8 months after we separated). He couldn't afford the mortgage on his own, and I definitely couldn't. With the lump sum payment, I think they give you a period in which you have to spend the money (on whatever, though usually a new property) before they penalise you for having it. I'm not 100% sure on this one though - we sold our house at a lost, so I haven't been in that position. As for the possessions....I had the girls' stuff (cots, highchairs etc) and very little else. He wouldn't let me take anything else. However, this was taken into account in our relationship property settlement, and he had to pay me out for my share of the contents. The only reason I got the girls' stuff though is because I had moved it before he found out. I also had a dresser (family heirloom so not relationship property), a couch which was a sofa bed, and so I slept on that, a TV and a stereo. Everything else that I had came from TradeMe or family/friends. Being on the DPB you would likely be entitled to Legal Aid, however they would likely require repayment out of any settlement that you received, or you would make other payments (I pay $10 a fortnight). Good luck - it's a phenomenally hard decision, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My ex has the girls every weekend (long story, and very hard when I work full-time) and has done since the weekend after we separated. I have a new partner who is amazing, and all of us are so much happier these days. |
Posted By: kalias1
Date Posted: 22 February 2012 at 1:51pm
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Hi ladies, thanks for your support & all the info.
Wow minik8e, you paid 1/2 the mortgage & rent too?! Yeah I'm thinking the same, just easier to leave. How long did it take to do the relationship property settlement, or is that just done when you divorce? |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 22 February 2012 at 7:30pm
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I don't know anything about WINZ entitlements coz I was working when my husband and I split (DD was 11 months old) but we just finalised our relationship property settlement in November, nearly 2 years after we split. In our case we both moved out of the house and rented it out to tenants, although this did not cover the mortgage. My ex refused to pay anything towards the house and expenses (he threw a hissy fit because I was the one who asked to separate) so I moved in with my parents so I could pay the difference between the rent we were receiving and the mortgage repayments, plus the rates, insurance, maintenance etc.
We settled the contents relatively amicably - I wrote a list of every thing in the house and emailed it to him and asked him what he wanted. We did have a couple of disagreements over the major items but in the end he took the TV, stereo and DVD player in return for me keeping the washing machine and fridge and the things like kitchen stuff and towels etc we sat down together and sorted through in person. We had major arguments over DD's stuff - her cot, car seat, stroller, clothes and toys. He thought I should give him half of all her stuff plus either the stroller or the cot because he wanted 50/50 custody. I fought him over the custody and thought her things were hers so should be where she was living. In the end I gave him half her clothes and toys (which upset me greatly as he had never brought her anything and most of the things were things I had specially picked out for her myself) and kept the cot, car seat and stroller (which pissed him off no end but I already had them so he couldn't take them from me). Good luck with your decision. It was hard but more than 2 years on and I don't regret it at all. It was such a weight off my shoulders when we split. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 26 February 2012 at 8:46pm
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Ours was signed in June last year, so 10 months from start to finish. We couldn't rent out our house (it was half renovated and we had a Welcome Home Loan, so it was against our mortgage conditions to rent it out) so that was finally sold in April, so 8 months after we separated - everything else followed on from there. We can't get divorced until August/September this year though.
I definitely agree with Shelt - the first year for me was VERY difficult, but as soon as we split I felt so much happier. |
Posted By: kalias1
Date Posted: 28 February 2012 at 1:25pm
| I just met with a lawyer for some advice (free consultation) and I felt judged for wanting to leave a marriage where I was financially provided for, 'just' because of lack of emotional connection/support/love/affection. I know I shouldn't let some stranger's comments affect me, but it's got me doubting it all again. Argh! |
Posted By: KirstyO
Date Posted: 28 February 2012 at 9:45pm
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Oh that really sucks! Its the last thing you need when you're in such a tough, confusing position already. Don't doubt yourself, you've had to make the decisions you've made for reasons that only you know, not the lawyer. Did the lawyer answer any of your questions? Are things any clearer now?
------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kalias1
Date Posted: 29 February 2012 at 8:14pm
| Thanks KirstyO, you're right. Feeling a better about it all today. Yes at least I got some answers eh. |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 29 February 2012 at 9:15pm
| Definitely not the lawyer for you then. Only you can make the decision if it's right or not - no one else. |
Posted By: KirstyO
Date Posted: 07 March 2012 at 9:59am
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Hey Kalias1, how are things going for you? Been thinking of ya.
------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kalias1
Date Posted: 12 March 2012 at 2:11pm
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Oh thanks KirstyO! I'm stuck...not sure what to do again; if leaving is the right decision.
How do you manage looking after your two boys - just the day to day practicalities with just two hands?! |
Posted By: KirstyO
Date Posted: 12 March 2012 at 9:30pm
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Some days are better than others, some days I cope ok, others I have to fight tears several times... But the main thing I've learned is that it doesn't matter how much I fret, how much I doubt myself sometimes, how much I worry - the day will continue, and this will pass. I can look back and remember several times when I simply didn't think I'd make it through - the problem was too big, I was too tired, I didn't know what to do, there was too much to do - but here I am, and I got through each of those situations. If I have to face those same things again I have the confidence that I've done it before & I can do it again. One of the keys is prioritizing. I've learned that it does not matter if my house is a tip (which it is!), so long as it is reasonably hygenic and safe it is not a biggie. It is more important for me to play ball with my son than to clear the table sometimes. I've given up caring what other people think of the mess they encounter when they walk through the door - so they have to move a pile of clothes outta the way so they can sit down ... who cares?! Life is busy, theres always a backlog of stuff to do, but I'll tell you what: my son is way happier, more settled, sleeping better than when he was while DH was here. You simply do not know how much tension surrounds you and your precious kiddies when you're in a difficult situation like this, until you get away from it. As hard as it gets sometimes, I would absolutely make the same decision again, for my son's mental and emotional health ... and mine too, I guess! Do not make your decision based on fear of the future, fear of being alone, fear of not being able to cope. The fact that you even have to consider the option of leaving says there is a reason for it. Make your decision based on your current circumstances. You will surprise yourself at how well you can deal with stuff you never imagined you could deal with before! Hugs ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kalias1
Date Posted: 15 March 2012 at 1:20pm
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thanks. :) Sounds like you're doing great!
Sorry for the late reply, hard to get on the computer some days, and evenings hard with hubby here... I agree with you - kids are more important than keeping an immaculate house. That old phrase 'this too will pass' sure is a good one eh. Except for me it won't until I actually do something about the situation. so even at 3ish they're picking up what's going on...I just keep thinking surely it'll be better for her for us to split while she's young, so by the time she's older things will ahve calmed down a bit (fingers crossed!). |