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Termination for medical reasons

Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Stillbirth and Baby Loss
Forum Description: A place to support each other and share thoughts and memories after a stillbirt or the loss of a baby.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=45057
Printed Date: 12 November 2019 at 5:59pm
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Topic: Termination for medical reasons
Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Subject: Termination for medical reasons
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 7:02am
We've made the tough decision to terminate due to medical reasons. We feel like this is the right decision for our family.
We've agonized over all the options and I felt my world crumble when we both came to the same conclusion.
As I'm writing this I can feel my baby moving and this morning I've been thinking about names.
I want to document this for myself to look back on and for someone who might be going through the same thing.
The uncertainty and anxiety is very overwhelming and i wonder if I will ever have dry eyes again.
The messages of love and support so far have been amazing although at this very point we haven't told our families our decision but they know the options we were considering.
Next step is to contact my MW to see where to from here.
I never thought I would find myself in this position.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d



Replies:
Posted By: Muma21more
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 7:36am
I don't have any advice, but I am really sorry you are going through this Rainyday, I will pray for you and your family in this difficult time X

-------------
mother of Talia 19 months

http://lilypie.com">


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 7:54am
LP I'm so sorry, reading your post has brought tears to my eyes because I know very much how you're feeling right now having been in the same position 7 weeks ago. Please PM me if you'd like to talk more or have any questions.
I found feeling movement after making the decision the hardest thing of all and still struggle when I remember what was going through my head every time she moved. Lean on those around you when you need it. My specialist gave me a really good book which I think is written by someone in SANDS called Holding on and Letting go, it very much helped me to read about other people's stories and what they went through, I didn't feel so alone.
Again thinking of you hun xxxx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 8:51am
Thanks BC I appreciate you posting. I thought of you when we made the decision Xo


-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: 2furkids
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 9:43am
Im so so sorry to read this LP I second the book BC is talking about, I was given it after our specialist apt and thought to myself "why would I need this, we are not in this boat??", but once the sad reality set in of our outcome I found it helped reading others stories about what they went through and realising I wasn't alone

-------------
Nov 2015, Trisomy 18 (14w3d)
DS Born Sept 2016


Posted By: antheawren
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 9:59am
I think you are truly amazing! Your so strong and courageous! You have done the best thing for your Baby despite loosing part of your heart in the process! Your an amazing lady and a truly amazing Mum!

-------------
http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">

Miscarriage 5 1/2 weeks Nov 14
Miscarriage 6 weeks September 15


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 1:24pm
RD, its a really tough decision to make and although you've never should have to go through this you are. Be reassured that your mw and also the team of midwives and specialist during this will be able to guide you. Ask loads of questions record memories and be kind to yourself amd your dear husband. You will experience every emotion 10 fold - that's expected. Know that we all sending a huge amount of love to you and Mr RD. Xx


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 4:50pm
We may be facing a week of waiting 😞

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 5:41pm
Ugh LP that was pretty much how long we waited too. It sucks. Do you go back to Auckland for it all? Wellington has a very private room allocated especially for this kind of situation. It was part of the antenatal wing so away from women and babies and totally self contained so I didn't leave the room the entire time I was there. Also had a midwife just focussed on our needs. Made the whole experience a bit bearable. I hope they offer something like that for you too.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 5:44pm
Thats hard but try and keep busy over the coming days! By the time the day comes you should've had enough time to sort how you want to proceed. Keep talking if you feel like it. You only have to worry about yourself and hubby. Know my thoughts are with you- Ive helped others from my job walk through this journey so can understand some of what you are gping through or yet to face xxx


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 7:26pm
Friends of ours got in super quick when they went through the same thing so I was hopeful for the same.
I live in Hamilton but have to go to Auckland for the procedure that will stop baby's heart. Because of how far I am there's a chance baby will be born alive which is a horrendous thought.
They have private rooms in waikato hospital and a specialist MW. My MW has said she will be there for support too which means a lot. I've calmed down a bit I really freaked out when she said it would be a week.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 7:34pm
Yeah I had the same procedure LP. I couldn't have handled going through her potentially breathing. I'll be honest though - I found that part of the whole situation the worst. Being induced and having her finally was more a relief that it was almost over and I could start focussing on healing. Before that I felt suspended in time.
There is fully no right or wrong way to feel or be or think though.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 7:51pm
I'm picking I'll feel the same BC. Was just discussing that with hubby.
Thank you for sharing your experience & feelings. It really helps.

We've talked about names & what we want to do in terms of a funeral. A lot to consider but I think it'll be easier to think about that stuff now to make sure that hubby and I are on the same page

Mum took the news of our decision much better than I thought she would.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: poppy101
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 8:02pm
I'm so sorry to hear u are going through this. We went through a similar thing last year, but we made the decision to continue the pregnancy and basically hope for the best. Our beautiful girl lived for 3wks. But I remember that day so clearly when we were told things weren't good. My heart breaks for you so much and wish I could fix this for you so you don't have to experience this nightmare and agonising pain.
It's been 6mths since our wee girl left us and I miss her every single day and always will but as time is passing I'm feeling like I'm finally living again. But at first I never thought I'd smile again or be a 'normal' person again. Like BC said, lean on those who give u strength and you will get through this. Take all the time you need to process this, there's no easy way through but you'll get there I promise you x


Posted By: Karenka
Date Posted: 04 May 2016 at 11:20pm
I'm so so sorry Rainy Day. Huge huge hugs xoxo

-------------
TTC #2 April 2014.
MCs: May 2014, November 2014, April 2015, August 2015.
MMC: 10 weeks August 2016.
https://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 05 May 2016 at 7:38am
Oh poppy it's so unfair.

I've woken up this Morning feeling like I'm coping. I'm hanging out for the phone call today with the action plan then I think I'll tell better again.
My parents are coming tomorrow so we'll likely plan something nice to do as a family

Planning to leave the house today which feels a bit overwhelming but our son will be at home as he's not really well enough to go to daycare again but very happy in himself. The last couple of days he has lifted the mood when he's come home.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: LateStarterLorna
Date Posted: 05 May 2016 at 7:53am
RD, I have no words to express my heartbreak for you and your family, you are in my thoughts and my heart xxx

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http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/weIHiFu/" rel="nofollow">




Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 05 May 2016 at 8:03am
Take each day as it comes RD. I certainly found leaving the house very overwhelming so much so that I forced myself back to work the week after I had her because I was getting to the point where I didn't even want to go outside into my own garden. We live in a small community though so my anxiety came from meeting people I knew and having to have a conversation. That was just me though - everyone else thought I was mad. I found it helped me get back to 'normal' instead of sitting around feeling awful.

For us we made decisions as they were needed, we knew beforehand what we wanted in term of burial vs cremation but other than that I just went with the flow of how I felt at the time. DH knew the gender whereas I didn't, and glad I didn't till after she was born as not sure I'd have coped as well, so he knew the name as it was one we'd had for a girl forever. Funny thing was we'd not really discussed last name (we're not married) so ended up just deciding double barrel which is what I never wanted but felt right since we didn't give her a middle name.

I'm glad you've got your son to lift the mood - he will be your light at this difficult time. xx
Take care today x

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 05 May 2016 at 10:09am
Going with the flow in terms of decisions sounds good BC

So we've got our times and dates
1st procdure in Auckland tomorrow from 1pm
Then waikato hospital from 7am on Monday

I can't fathom the mixed feelings of relief and feeling totally petrified.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 05 May 2016 at 3:23pm
I'm glad you're not having to wait much longer RD. Did they tell you much about the procedure? I couldn't really comprehend much at the original appt as was too upset and actually I didn't really want to think about it until I had to.

The whole thing is almost too much to comprehend isn't it? I still sit and think how the heck did that even happen to me? And I don't even go down the track of why because that's not healthy for my mind as there is no answer.
Have you got some good close friends to provide support, other than family? I am lucky to have these amazing friends who I play netball with and boy I'd be screwed without them. They're so understanding and I can just be honest with them about where I'm at. Am getting better but I do find that I can't handle stress as well as I did so get overwhelmed more quickly, then my go to emotion is to cry (or feel like crying). And when I first went back to work I found I got tired more easily, I guess my brain was working extra hard.
I'll stop blabbing on now. Keep talking if you need it hun. I'll be always reading that's for sure.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 06 May 2016 at 5:46am
They've given me a run down of how it will all go today. I feel sick about it. My husband doesn't want to be in the room when they do it which I can understand..I'll be sedated, he won't be.

I have a beautiful friend that is psychic and does reiki. I asked her to come over yesterday and my experience was incredible. I felt at peace for many hours and she's also given me a specially formulated rescue remedy to keep me going.

Hubby and I lay together in bed last night feeling our baby move. It was odd to be smiling at that time which then made me sad again
I've been awake since 3am and have been writing letters to my baby.
My parents arrived yesterday and they will be looking after our son today when we go to Auckland

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 06 May 2016 at 6:04am
Today will be hard for sure RD. I was sedated too and it helped my calm right down. I just made myself go to another place in my head. My mum was with me but DH wasn't and that was ok.
I'm glad you're doing things to help you with the grief at the moment. Letters to your baby sound lovely. Will be thinking of you Hun xxx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 06 May 2016 at 7:09am
Thinking if you both today RD, letters to your baby are a perfect way to help. I brought a beautiful glass box which I have my letters in, it reflects so much light around my bedroom when the sun shines. Glad you have support for today xx


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 06 May 2016 at 9:12pm
The toughest day so far.
Our baby passed away at 245pm this afternoon.
I wish I was more sedated. My body was relaxed but I was really alert.
They put the local anaesthetic in then I was waiting for the next bit (had my eyes closed) then suddenly the doc touched my shoulder and said it was done. It was so quick with no real pain just some yucky sensations.
The whole ordeal was so extremely difficult. My husband finally broke down. I knew he was holding back for so long so he really needed to have a good cry.
Together we've been quite strong I believe.
Oddly feeling sort of ok right now. So Tired and truly heartbroken but ok.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 06 May 2016 at 9:28pm
Huge hugs RD. One of the worst parts is over. I'm glad it went quickly. I was alert too despite sedation but they took an age to do it which wasn't great. It's a good thing your DH has cried and not continued to hold it back.
You are strong Hun and keep telling yourself that.
Have you got some thing to distract you this weekend? We were in Wellington as live miles away so mum and I visited Te papa and had a look around although I must admit I was buggered and just wanted to curl up in our motel. Strangely I occupied my time with a crossword it helped keep my mind busy.
Will be thinking of you over the next while xx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 07 May 2016 at 6:52am
We've made some.plans to go.to the Cambridge bike track with my parents and DS. We'll plan to do something else tomorrow to.
Thankfully we're due at hospital first thing monday. We'll be contacting the Angel Casts ppl today as well as making some funeral plans

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: antheawren
Date Posted: 07 May 2016 at 8:09am
That's awesome rd!

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http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">

Miscarriage 5 1/2 weeks Nov 14
Miscarriage 6 weeks September 15


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 07 May 2016 at 1:13pm
RD, I can imagine the sense of relief at hubby crying its really hard to understand greif and you both will move through it in different ways and at a different pace. Hopefully when Monday comes you will both be ready for the next part of this journey. Sometimes having the odd app on ph or ipad like who wants to be a millionaire and logo games etc are a good way to keep your minds busy while waiting for things to start happening on Monday. Xx


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 07 May 2016 at 7:12pm
RD I hope today provided much needed distraction.
They couldn't get hold of the casting ppl for us which was a shame because I'd have like a casting of her feet. I did end up getting her footprints imprinted on a necklace though - something I treasure very much now.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 08 May 2016 at 8:28am
I actually enjoyed our outing yesterday morning.
Went to the cemetery in the afternoon which helped us decide what to do with baby..we've decided to bury on the Kowhai lawn at newstead which is reserved for stillborn bubbas.
I've made contact with Angel Casts and a Heartfelt (professional) photographer. Feels strangely good to get our ducks in a row. But surreal at the same time
Took a sleeping pill last night sort of helped but didn't knock me out that we'll.
Lots of tightentings since yesterday arvo and have had some really strong ones since but not painful. Feeling quite uncomfortable this morning. Sore back and generally achy uterus.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 08 May 2016 at 9:15am
I'm glad yesterday was a good day. Heartfelt do amazing photos. Will they be able to come soon after baby arrives? Ours didn't come until the next day and I wish she'd been able to come sooner but not to worry.
Hope the pain doesn't get too bad today.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 08 May 2016 at 9:21am
The person I contacted was amazing she just said text when you need me

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6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 08 May 2016 at 10:15am
That is awesome. You won't regret having them done. When they first arrived I couldn't handle it but I look at them at least once a week now.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 08 May 2016 at 12:16pm
BC was it obvious when you were in labour?
I'm wondering how different it'll be at this gestation

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 08 May 2016 at 12:28pm
RD I guess so although it was the first time for me so I didn't know what to expect. I think i had contractions between the procedure and being induced (memory is a bit hazy). On the day I was induced they gave me the first lot of pills and within 1.5hrs I was getting quite strong period pain and asked for Panadol which did nothing. Then had voltaren which helped me relax. Then had next lot of pills and after that it was all on. I got regular contractions that blimming hurt and by the time the next pills time came I was about to have her - so 6 hrs from start to finish. From what I understand I went through the same stages of labour the other difference being I only had to dialate to her head size.
If you're feeling like labours coming on I'd contact your midwife, especially if you've had a baby before. And most certainly if your waters break which you'll know to do anyway.
From memory they said because I'd had 2x d&c my cervix knew what to do, at least I think that's what they meant so next time I give birth it won't be a long labour.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 4:31am
830 last night things started getting regular..not painful but strong and regular contractions. MW suggested going into hospital. Been here since 10pm
They've got us relatively comfortable in our own room and while I've had some more really strong contractions things have slowed down but I know they are progressing. They'll check me in a few hours to see how I'm going and if I need the next meds to move things along. I've been dozing since the hospital mw finished doing her things and we've had our mw visit then go home to rest
I'm ready to meet this little one

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 6:12am
Big hugs RD.
Today will be hard but also special too as you get to meet your precious baby. I found having her a relief and no where near as hard as the procedure.
All the best xx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 6:23am
Thanks BC things have settled right down so next step is meds. Managed a wee bit more sleep

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 6:57am
All the best RD, hoping today goes well for you and hubby. You are both in my thoughts. The meds can take there time so keep busy. Xx


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 5:06pm
Micah Dyllan Pears born 1140am in her waters. She's the most precious thing. Birth was super fast.
We're beyond heart broken.

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6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 5:58pm
What a stunning name for your beautiful baby. So much love for you both


Posted By: kellsz
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 6:51pm
Big hugs to you and your family RD. XX have been thinking about you lots


Posted By: LateStarterLorna
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 6:56pm
Big hugs RD and family, such a beautiful name xx

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http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/weIHiFu/" rel="nofollow">




Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 6:58pm
Oh hun xxx Much love to you right now. A beautiful name for a precious wee girl. Sending you all the strength you need to get through this difficult time xx.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: poppy101
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 7:47pm
Sending so much love to u. What a beautiful name x


Posted By: Justin Reach
Date Posted: 09 May 2016 at 10:55pm
A beautiful girl was created in your heart and your husband's heart RD and she will live with you both forever. Yes, a very special name, just lovely (((((HUGS))))))


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21 year old son
18 year old son
(Buenos Aires Clinic Donor Egg) 4 year old son
(San Diego Clinic Donor Egg) 3 year old daughter
(San Diego Clinic Donor Egg) 2 year old daughter



Posted By: babygiraffe
Date Posted: 10 May 2016 at 5:34pm
Oh RD I am so sorry for your loss, I am heart broken for you. I popped in to see where everyone was at, I never expected in a million years to read your news. Gosh life can be so cruel. Take care, I am thinking of you x (Bigbird)


Posted By: Karenka
Date Posted: 10 May 2016 at 9:33pm
Thinking of you x

-------------
TTC #2 April 2014.
MCs: May 2014, November 2014, April 2015, August 2015.
MMC: 10 weeks August 2016.
https://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">


Posted By: Kiwigirl75
Date Posted: 10 May 2016 at 9:50pm
Thinking of you RD. Wish I could help take the pain away.


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 5:56am
😘😘 RD this is just to let you know I woke up today and thought of you. I hope the memories you wanted made to treasure Micah have gone to plan. Xx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 8:43am
Thanks BC and everyone else. Saw my boss and mw yesterday wasn't too bad.
Rest of family will be here today so will a full on. Some will leave on Friday and DH parents will stay on for the weekend. I'll be over people by then.
DH thinking of going to work on Monday but he'll think about that closer to the time.
Saw funeral director yesterday too and i didn't anticipate having the opportunity to see Micah again. I'm a bit torn. Family want to see her depending on her condition as she may have deteriorated since Monday.


-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 8:44am
Have had meds but Boobs are massive and heavy this morning. Really hope my milk doesn't come in 😞

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 8:52am
We found that Paige had deteriorated quite a bit over the course of the night she spent with us in the room and that was quite hard to see. My memory was a bit hazy immediately after but when I got her photos a couple weeks later it was very hard to see her when in my mind I had chosen to remember her as she was when she first arrived. DH finds that part particularly hard to think about.
When is the service for Micah?
People - that takes some getting used to that's for sure. I was not prepared to the influx of people before, during and after. On the one hand it was great to feel so loved and supported and was blown away by that but then it became a bit overwhelming too. What I got over was everyone who kept telling me it was ok to cry, I didn't have to be strong etc. They mean well but I prefer to have a good cry on my own to get it out and then get on with living. Anywho that was just me.
Much love and hugs RD xx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 8:55am
Just found this lovely poem to read tomorrow
Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.


The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: LateStarterLorna
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 9:08am
The poems beautiful RD x

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http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/weIHiFu/" rel="nofollow">




Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 10:19am
Eek note to self - don't read at work! Beautiful words xx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 11:34am
Service is tomorrow morning.
Micah definitely started to deteriorate in the 5 or so hours we were together. I'm just hoping that there hasn't been any further deteriorating.
We heard from the funeral home about half an hour ago and they said she's ok

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 1:37pm
Beautiful poem RD. So lovely that funeral home has updated you about your wee girl xx


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 2:01pm
Just rereading what you wrote BC.
We've had heaps of ppl telling us that we're strong and to stay strong. There was even a point when my mum told me to go to another room so my son didn't see me cry. He was too busy eating his breakfast anyway.
There was a point at the hospital when DH was lying with Micah and I could feel he was holding back so I had to just hold him and tell him to let it out and boy did he what.
There's this dumb perception that men stay strong but I know my husband, he's an emotional creature but often holds it in.
My god tomorrow is going to be hard.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: antheawren
Date Posted: 11 May 2016 at 2:23pm
Rd I love the poem that is truly beautiful - I have a couple more poems if you would like them also xxx

Omg the people it's overwhelming isn't it? I remember Tom and I hiding out in our bedroom just to get away from them but then the day after the funeral they were all gone and it was just me and my Head and I found that hard also!

I love yours and hubby's relationship rd you can just read each other so well - You are so lucky you have each other to lean on! I know loosing Meika made hubby and I so much stronger!

What time is the Service tomorrow honey? Are you having it at home ? Did you see Micah one last time xxx

-------------
http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">

Miscarriage 5 1/2 weeks Nov 14
Miscarriage 6 weeks September 15


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 12 May 2016 at 7:30pm
Just checking in to let you know I'm around RD. Today would've been hard xx.

As time has gone on I'm finding it easier to admit when I'm feeling off and even if I don't cry I feel much better just voicing that I'm feeling a bit blah. Just take each day or even hour as it comes. Run with how you're feeling and do what suits you at the time.
😘

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 12 May 2016 at 7:39pm
Numb lost heart broken

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 12 May 2016 at 7:51pm
Ugly hun my heart breaks for you. I hate that someone else has to go through this too. It truly is awful.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 13 May 2016 at 12:07pm
Did your milk still come through BC? Sprung a leak this morning at 2am despite having the meds as well as milk stop spray & sage.
Boobs definitely not as sore as when My milk came through with my son which is a small consolation.
Having some time completely on my own at home. Feel like I can breathe a little. Hubby out with his parents probably the last thing he wanted to do. Don't know why they couldn't find their own way around.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: ytsrik35
Date Posted: 13 May 2016 at 2:49pm
So incredibly sorry for your loss RD. Lots of love.


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 13 May 2016 at 3:22pm
Hmm yes RD my milk did come in despite the meds but maybe not as bad as if I didn't have them. I don't really have anything to compare to. I got really sore but couldn't get much out to relieve it, they were massive though! Ended up going down the cabbage in bra route which worked a treat. I put it in the fridge and slept with a bra and cabbage for about 3 nights. Also drank sage tea and the max amount of vit c I could take a day.
According to my midwife the meds they give you for it are pretty intense and can cause phsycotic (spelling!) episodes in people, luckily not with me but had known I wouldn't have bothered especially since it didn't really work.
Glad you've got some breathing space, although yes I'd imagine your hubby didn't really want to be spending his day out.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 13 May 2016 at 4:58pm
Might have to get a cabbage.
My son has been saying "little baby?"
So hard to say, "not anymore darling, Micah has gone to heaven"
My son was very emotional yesterday but his usual self today which is great. Broke my heart again when he saw Dh & I bawling and his little face crumbled.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 13 May 2016 at 5:58pm
Highly recommend cabbage RD. It was the one thing that turned me round boob wise.
Watching your son see your pain would be very hard. I found it awful watching my mum deal with it all. It made me hold back because I didn't want her to worry.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 13 May 2016 at 7:17pm
Grief is such an odd thing. I've found myself reassuring people that I'm ok when I'm far from it

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 13 May 2016 at 8:08pm
Ah yeah me too. People would see me and cry giving their condolences and I'd do everything I could to try and make them feel better. Was blimming tiring to say the least. I found it easier at the start just to say I was ok so the fussing would stop. Lately as time has gone on I've been able to admit when I'm not ok and that actually helps me calm down because I get really wound up trying to keep it together sometimes.
Grief is crazy weird.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 14 May 2016 at 9:25am
Just us at home now. I'm so relieved.
Awful nightmares last night. In my half awake state I started to panick about Micah being buried. It took everything I had to try and picture her snuggled up with my nana instead.
The mind does some weird things.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 14 May 2016 at 11:48am
So glad you can now follow your own path while you grieve your beautiful Micah. She is tucked into Nanas arms feeling all your love surrounding her


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 14 May 2016 at 3:44pm
Big meltdown, cuddles, kisses and chats with DH this afternoon. Was very therapeutic.
Im glad we can talk very openly with each other. He's a blessing that man.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 14 May 2016 at 5:47pm
I'm glad you had DH to help you through today's rough patch.
I've had a few meltdowns driving home from work and always feel better after.
Sorry you've had nightmares especially when you need all the sleep you can get right now. Wish I had the magic trick that would be able help you feel ok again, keep grieving how you feel you need to Hun xx

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 15 May 2016 at 7:48am
It's seems the simplest of things set me off. Brushing my teeth before bed last night
Changing my sons nappy this morning and trying to read him his stories. How can I manage going to work and doing the daycare run!?

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 15 May 2016 at 8:32am
Hun maybe put off going to work for a bit longer if you're not feeling up to it. I went back after a week but only because I felt ready to, if you're not then don't. You're entitled to take time to work through this. I just went back because sitting at home with time to think was doing my head in and I was starting to not want to leave the house. And for me being a teacher at that time it was almost school holidays so I only had to get through two weeks then had another break.
I cried daily at first, usually at night when I'd get to bed and think.
Can someone else handle the day care run for you initially?

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 15 May 2016 at 10:26am
Yesterday was pretty good in the scheme of things and today is just plain sh*t. So I'll worry about all that hard stuff when I feel a little better!

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 15 May 2016 at 10:47am
Good think RD.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 15 May 2016 at 6:28pm
Dh going to work for couple of hours tomorrow just to see people but won't be doing any teaching. Probably a good way to do it. Not too much pressure on him.
He seems to be doing really well .

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 15 May 2016 at 6:42pm
Very good way to do it RD - often seeing people for the first time is hardest. Once I got that out of the way at work I felt better about going.
Men 'do' grief differently. Mine was just so concerned for my mental and emotional well being rather than anything else. He seemed ok but one night came home after drinking with a friend and admitted it had hit him harder than he thought it would. He's put it in its place so to speak though. It happened and that's, that. He however never went through the physical aspect like I did so it's only natural.
Your DH will have moments like you he just may not show you because he'll want to protect you.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 8:14am
Desperately missing my darling girl.
I want her back with me.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 8:37am
No words I can say will make it better but just know that I'm right there with you.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: Kiwigirl75
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 10:20am
My message to you rainy day is the same as baby crazy's. I have no words that will help but know that we are here for you.


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 12:00pm
I actually managed to get the above words out of my mouth to my husband this morning to DH.
It helped but then I found the report about my labour that I wasn't able to read last week and there was info on there We. Weren't previously aware of.
Abnormal chromosomal and genetic issues... WTF!?
We had an amnio done but weren't told that something was found. MW was here this morning and she wasn't aware of it either. So another blow that wasn't needed. Hubby is currently at school. I feel sick for him but hoping like hell it's going ok for him

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 12:07pm
Oh wow RD that would be a shock if you previously didn't realise that something was amiss. I'm glad you were able to voice how you're feeling. Bottling it up isn't very useful - take it from the queen of not admitting her feelings until she boils over!. Although I get that sometimes its actually hard to open your mouth and say the words without losing it anyway.

They'll give you an appt in about 6wks? We've got ours next week.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 12:33pm
A couple of weeks post my mc in 2013 I received the genetic tests which showed our wee baby girl had tri 21. Its a big blow to find out that my body couldn't get it right to make a baby who could live. With already a daughter with tri 21 of which we adore. It turned it to something that affected my baby so much that she died. Being nearly 3 years ago and I now dont feel the same. But remember the shock and was def rocked by having those results. I although now have a sense of albeit relief I wouldve of course wanted a healthy baby, but didn't have to make some very tough choices later in pregnancy. My heart goes out to you and hope you will get some answers you seek to help you grieve for Micah


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 3:08pm
definitely mixed emotions about all of that.
Had another big chat with DH about everything, it really is a tonic.
Having tomorrow off (as i don't work mondays anyway) and going to attempt to go back to work on Wednesday.
Big hugs GEO. Are you in the all clear with your current pg? Or do you still have a way to go?
All the best with your appointment BC xo

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 4:09pm
Thanks RD. I'm not really feeling like we'll get any other answers other than what we've already been told (1-100,000 bad lucky situation) but I'm doing it for closure. Once they tell me again what I've already heard then I can focus on what's next.
Talking is totally a tonic, especially to people who get where you're at.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: GEONC
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 4:13pm
Cvs was normal. So far so good, but still have to get through the next scan. Good to know this baby is genetically ok.
Your husband sounds like everything you need to get you through this! It so lovely to hear he is like water to your thirst.


Posted By: antheawren
Date Posted: 16 May 2016 at 6:18pm
Sometimes rd I think they put things down that they think it could be! Would an amnio tell them whether it was genetic? I didn't think it would! This year I was reading my doctors notes and it said I had placental issues but it wasn't something that was known much about! That's exactly what my notes said yet my placenta came back perfect as did the autopsy!

-------------
http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">

Miscarriage 5 1/2 weeks Nov 14
Miscarriage 6 weeks September 15


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 8:48am
Glad you will be able to get some closure next week BC
Sounding promising GEO. Will have everything crossed for you.
MW is going to find out more for us with tregards to that note on my report.
I did the daycare run this morning. Dry eyes!!! I got a bit wobbly a couple of times & I did take some rescue remedy before leaving.
Wasn't a good start to the morning as DS was being a rat and I can't seem to handle that at the mo but I'm glad I got through that first daycare run.
I have a list of jobs to keep me busy today so I should stop procrastinating.



-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 9:00am
Good work RD. First hurdle done. Day care runs will be much easier now. I found the first initial 'doing' stuff (going to supermarket, work, etc) hard then from there it became easier.
I'm glad you've got lots to keep you busy today.
I found my tolerance of stress and everyday things was definitely lower and still is. When I'm extra tired it's worse.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 11:13am
just had the auckland MW who was looking after us call to say she has some scan pics to send us which is great.
I asked her about the amnio results which aren't even back yet. She said that someone would have been on autopilot and just had to enter something into my labour report with regards to the "abnormal chromosomal and genetic issues"!!
That's pretty [email protected] if you ask me.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: Muma21more
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 11:33am
Hi LP just checking in to say I'm thinking of you and your family x
Micah, what a beautiful name. Bless her X

-------------
mother of Talia 19 months

http://lilypie.com">


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 12:02pm
That is so weird RD. I wouldn't have thought they'd 'have' to write any old thing just to tick a box.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 2:23pm
I'm a bit gutted, another bout of worry and uncertainty that could have been avoided.

Wild weather here last night so have just been out to Micah's resting place to check in & amazingly nothing got blown away.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 3:06pm
I'd be inclined to bring it up at your follow up for clarification as to why it was put if nothing had been actually formally identified.

I'm glad Micah's spot was ok. She's being well looked after.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 17 May 2016 at 4:50pm
I'll definitely bring that up!!

DS got home today and I asked him who he played with at daycare today. "Micah. I play with Micah" 😍

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d


Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 18 May 2016 at 7:44am
Aww that's cute RD. Micah will always be remembered by your little boy.

-------------
TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks


Posted By: LP pka Rainyday
Date Posted: 18 May 2016 at 10:36am
Just bailed from work.
I almost bolted at the door. It was pretty horrible to be honest, I was a shaking mess by the time I got to my desk.
I cried every time someone came in and didn't actually get around to seeing everyone. There were people that were obviously avoiding my office and I don't blame them at all.
Boss put a little pressure on when I said that I couldn't focus anymore and was going to leave. She said "I know it's hard but you have to face this all at some point but just take your time."
She was nice about it and of course she's right but it didn't help.
I have to go collect my son this arvo anyway so if I pull myself together I might go back in this afternoon. I hate feeling obliged when really I don't have to "suck it up" which is what I felt like i had to do.

-------------
6 MC angels
DS born 04.01.14
DD born sleeping 09.05.16 22w5d



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