PND
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Living with Post Natal Depression
Forum Description: Around one in ten NZ mothers will be diagnosed with PND in the first year of their babies life. Find support and encouragement and share ideas for coping here.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=7154
Printed Date: 30 November 2024 at 12:52pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: PND
Posted By: Guests
Subject: PND
Date Posted: 01 May 2007 at 11:37am
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I would love to hear about your PND stories.
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Replies:
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 01 May 2007 at 12:17pm
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I don't have PND, but I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 18 and have spent the past 8 years on and off medication depending on how I am doing at any given time.
When we were TTC I had a relapse, which I thought was entirely because I wasn't pregnant and I wanted to be. I remember my GP saying to me that I should maybe give TTC a break and get the depression sorted, and thinking to myself "you stupid woman, if I get pregnant that WILL FIX the depression". It didn't work out like that tho, instead I had a m/c, then launched myself straight into another pregnancy which in hindsight was a bad, bad idea. I became very fatalistic, when I found out I was having twins I was excited for all of about five minutes until I realise how many more risks there were, and I started convincing myself the babies were going to get TTTS or be stillborn, or born too early to survive. I hired a doppler to hear their heartbeats, but instead of reassuring me it made me even more anxious coz at times I couldn't tell if it was two different babies heartbeats, or just the one from a different angle, and then I'd worry that they were bradycardic... it just went on and on. Then they were born, and I had the best delivery I could ever have hoped for, no complications to speak of (except Sienna taking a long time to come down the birth canal), no stitches, no pain relief, it was a really empowering experience. But at the same time it was like an anticlimax - all of a sudden everything I had been stressing about vanished and I was feeling quite shellshocked. Brought them home on day 4 unable to breastfeed, Maya had bronchitis so was sick and grouchy, ended up expressing to feed them, every 4 hours night and day for 10 weeks, got a staph infection in one nipple, retained products of conception, Mercedes had two apnoeas and was diagnosed with gastric reflux, Sienna had an MCU and ended up needing surgery at 8 weeks, and they were both terrible sleepers who screamed for up to 20 out of 24 hours. I was literally living on adrenalin, a doctor in the ED at Starship on what must have been about the 10th trip in two months asked me if I thought I had PND and I told him all I wanted to do was get some sleep. At that point I could have left the babies in the hospital, I had absolutely no attachment to them. By three months, the babies had settled, we'd addressed their multiple health issues, bonding was finally starting to come together and they were almost sleeping thru the night, and life was able to regain some sense of normality. But I was still having problems sleeping, and had started having severe panic attacks. One night I went to the supermarket and there was a roadworks detour on the way home so it took 15 minutes longer than usual. I got myself so worked up about it that I convinced myself the gremlins apnoea monitors were going off and Willie was asleep and couldn't hear them and I was going to lose them. Of course I got home and they were fine, but I had literally overdosed on adrenalin to the point where it made me vomit. So I went to see my GP, who is very sensible (not the same one that told me to stop TTC) and she agrees that it is probably not PND but rather a flare up of preexisting depression and anxiety issues. She has an interesting theory on the insomnia too - she said she thinks my body was making surplus adrenalin just to get thru the day with no sleep when the gremlins were tiny/sick and now that it hasn't recognised that I don't need the extra adrenalin anymore so is making me quite manic and making it hard to shut down. So I am back on medication, it's helped with the anxiety, and I don't feel at all depressed (but then I never actually did) but the sleep thing is still an issue. Am working on it tho by forcing myself to get up at 7.30am every morning and go to bed at 11pm at the latest, that way my body should eventually get the message. Whew, big novel. Congrats if you're still awake! -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 02 May 2007 at 9:35am
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Wow, it's great (though sad) to hear others stories. I haven't had PND but have had a terribly rough ride with Elle. Had a great pregnancy, labour was induced and Elle arrived a mere 2 hours 27mins later. She was pretty good for the first 2 weeks so I felt good...house was clean, meals cooked, everyone was getting sleep. At about 3 weeks things went crazy. Elle would not sleep and cried all the time. It wasn't like normal colic as she was worse in the mornings and okish in the evenings. For a couple of months she would only sleep for 10 or 20mins at a time through the day. She was so tired and hypersensitive she'd scream at anything...even a sneeze from someone at the other end of the house would make her scream. We went to plunket and learned some new settling tips (we were already doing things "right" anyway) and so I committed myself to staying in the lounge with her so I could jiggle the bassinet the moment she stirred. I spent 2 weeks solid in the lounge doing this. I couldn't watch tv or prepare food or do anyhting as the noise would make her cry. I didn't even visit the toilet during the 9 hours dh was at work. In the end this got us no where, Elle was miserable and sleepless and so was I. Not sure how her day sleep started to improve...when she hit 3mths she just started to do 40min naps and then eventually they extended to longer naps.
EVeryone told me she'd come right at 3 or 4 months but she didn't. She has gradually improved but is still a VERY unsettled baby. Family and friends just couldn't understand what it was like. We couldn't take her out as she was so oversensitive to everything she'd just scream. It was like no-one beleived us...everyone just kept saying "she's a baby, babies love the car / sleep anywhere" etc/. People told me to go out as at least I'd be away from home but it wasn't that easy for me as listening to her cry was too stressful. She wouldn't sleep in the car etc or anywhere away from home so we couldn't get out and about. She is 8mths now and still by far the grizzliest baby I've come across. On a bad day she will grizzle all day (except when sleeping) on a good day she grizzles about 50% of the time. She is NOT a cuddly baby and if I try to cuddle her she pummels me with her fists and arches away. It is rare for me to be able to sit and cuddle her as she has to be moving...she's been this way since she was born. She has grown and developed well and for that I'm grateful. However, I find it really hard to not feel jealous of Mums with "normal" happy babies. Life with Elle has been hard and I've ended up quite isolated. Elle still won't even let her grandparents hold her so it's hard to get a break. Things ARE getting better and she is a lovely we girl. In the last few weeks we have started to enjoy life with a baby but it is still very hard work listening to her grizzle so much. So yeah, I haven't had PND but I've been very down / jealous of others + I've had really bad insomnia which is just starting to come right. |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 02 May 2007 at 10:28am
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Some of the older ladies here might know a fair amount about me.. but will still share here.
In Real life, lol, i am a very quiet shy person. On here yes i talk away, but that's cos it's like another world. I also set myself completely unrealistic goals and beat myself up at the first sign of not meeting them. That's how i have always been. In high school iused to have panic attacks at the thought of public speaking. During my nanny course i came out of my shell a bit because i had to go into other people's houses, complete strangers, for placements etc. I got over that a little. In my 1st yr of nursing i finally realised that no-one likes public speaking and everyone was just as shy in some way or another as i felt. I was doing great, till i fel pregnant at the end of that year. Me and Mike hadn't been going so well for months, first he cheated on me on a random night out with his mates. Then he met another chick on the internet who lived in the same city as us, he broke up with me, but neither of us could afford to move so he moved into the spare room of our flat. as soon as we broke up the other chick decided that no, she didn't actually want him after all. so we were both down and out, and still looking to each other for comfort.. ahem  
So hello, i find out a few weeks later that I am pregnant. we talked heaps, and after a month or so he decided that yes, he was in it for the long haul, for me, for us.. not just cos of the baby. (I am so grateful for that, cos here we are now.. ) but after having sucha great pregnancy, and really doing well in my nursing studies. Actually having Paris.. was a huge shock. Her birth was fine, up until a few mins after she was born when i remember having htis feeling of dread come over me, M/W started rubbing tummy furiously and PAris was taken away from me and given to mike, i remember looking at him and just seeing this white shaky guy with a look of sheer terror on his face. No one said anything till after - but i had had a big bleed.. Still i had my baby. Breastfeeding was.. interesting, really i got little help, but bluffed my way through it, i thought nothing was wrong.. but then i knew nothing really, i didn't leave the room at the hospital until i went home, not even to make a phone call. I do remember one midwife int he P/Natal ward saying to me when i couldn't get paris to latch on one side "oh, just feed her off the same one" and walking out.. that was the only time i ever asked for help. I get home, and it all starts turning to custard. I was exhausted, i tried to be super-mum, my mum would come round and instead of accepting her offers for help so i could sleep, i thought she must think i wasn't capable of doing it, so would stay up and do the washing/cleaning etc.. i didn't sleep. By the end of the first week, i swear sometimes i had something similar to hallucinations.. i was so tired. I remember looking up one night while feeding paris int he lounge, and we have a large black and white picture of me and mike.. i looked up and thought the people on there were moving. My mind was just sooooooo tired. Add to that the complete loss of interaction with all my classmates, who by now had gone on to the next semester.. and here i was stuck at home with a baby, who wouldn't latch, would scream at the breast, and who didn't settle well, cos well, she was hungry! But each time the midwife came around i said "yes she's fine" "feeding's going well" and my house was pristine.. I was keeping up appearances. I didn't leave the house much, and i hated when i did, I stopped going up town or out anywhere cos Paris wouldn't feed, she'd scream at me instead, i remember sittingup town in the mother's room, with a screaming hungry baby, who would not feed, and just bawling my eyes out in there. Just give her the bottle each person kept saying.. how could i.. i just felt like a failure. the 1st plunket visit i had a fill in nurse, who told me that Paris was only just over the very bottom line for the weight centiles.. "and i don't want to see her go any lower" she snapped. great, now even she thought i was a failure too. In all that time, i wasn't bonding with Paris. I did what i had to do, went throught he motions of a caring loving mum, but sadly i didn't feel much of anything most of the time. I didn't feel capable of showing emotion, i just felt numb and blank. Most of the time i describe it as it you are looking out those windows that have snow all around the edges.. but instead of glowy white, i felt like i was looking out of a window that was black and dim.. I felt like everything was just stacking on top of me.. like a tower of blocks and i was just waiting for it to all fall down. My sisters have all had PND.. i spent so long in deinal that i didn't see it. my older sister stayed with us and knew straight away. Actually acknowledging that it wasn't because i was a bad mum was a start. but still i struggled with feeding her, the final straw came when paris began to loose weight instead of putting it on.. and i saw how stupidly stubborn i was and if she wouldn't take a feed, i'd give her that bottle of formula instead. i still felt like a failure, but even more i felt like i'd failed my baby by not feeding her enough because i was so hung up on being the perfect mum.. another high expectation i had placed on myself. I also realised that the panic attacks i had, were related to things.. i would have them when i went to feed Paris. well, no wonder, i knew each feed was going to turn into a screaming match.. of course my body would react that way. I also realised that each and every time i read my birth story, or one where something similar to what had happened after i had paris had happened - i would get panic attacks too. I had never dealt with the fact that really, everything had spun out of control for me in those first few minutes after i had her. I had never dealt with that. Once all these realisations started to surface, i think it all started coming back together very slowly. this was when paris was 6 mths by then. and all that time, mike had had no idea. When paris was 11 mths, she went to daycare and i went back to study.. and it was the best thing i did, i am shy but i have now realised, i need that adult interaction. i found out a month later that i was pregnant again, and spent the whole pregnancy terrified of getting PND again. Ayja's pregnancy was full of a host of medical probs and all sorts of interesting stuff, but her birth was fast, i had no problems with her, and she fed like a dream.. far too well in fact and i got no sleep because she would cluster feed 45 mins out of every hour all through the night.. but i had my sister stay with us for 2 weeks that time, and paris went to daycare in the mornings. I went into it thinking well, if she won't feed, then there's the bottle. we never needed it until she went back to daycare and even then it was only when i went on clinical placements because she fed wonderfully from me. I had been determined this time it would work and had found out everything i needed to know, asked for help if i needed it and if i didn't like their advice i asked someone else!. she gained weight in leaps and bounds. i did have a time when she was 6 days old, where i was so exhausted i went to wind her in the middle of the night, and fell asleep/blacked out, with her over my shoulder. I came to in time to see her hit the ground head first, and thought i had killed her. she was in hospital overnight, where they did neurological observations every hour, and she came home with ahuge blodo filled lump covering one side of her head, and black and blue eyes from them prying them open every hour to check her pupil sizes. If anything was going to bring the PND back, i was sure that would. but it didn't, because i reliased that these things happen. I wasn't a bad mum, i was a very very tired one. AS the doctor said, it happens alot, and mostly the babies are fine.. they have to patch up the parents more than they have to the babies. In all that though, it was mike that became depressed instead. i had to deal with the fact that he never wanted a 2nd child,and the enormous guilt because, we had had one. he couldn't see how he could fit 2 into his heart, him and paris were so close as he had pretty much taken over and done everything with her when i was going through PND. he resented ayja. This time, he didn't have to be strong for me, i had to be strong for him. Add to the fact that ayja hated the bottle and wouldn't take it for him when i was on placements, and was, (and still is) a screamer tantrum child. he couldn't handle that. We sat down when ayja was a few months old and talked through everything that i had gone through and everything he was going through, and both had a good cry.. he hadn't realised i had gone through so much after having paris. I didnt realise how much having a 2nd child had affected him. We both sometimes have days where the kids just drive us nuts, but we can recgonise our signs now that things might be getting a bit much, and we take over from one another, to keep ourselves sane, we work as a team. We have come out the other side stronger and more together than i could ever have imagined back in the dark days after having Paris. Ayja, now that she is older, is completely in love with her daddy, and daddys in love with her, however i still think he will always have that stronger bond with Paris, and i can relate, as i have a stronger bond with ayja. After having her i felt that whole instant love thing everyone had talked about when i had paris.. i had thought they were lying as i never got that with her. And now here we are, after all that's gone on in the last month. it has been a rollercoaster ride, from me having to accept that we wouldn't have any more kids, due to mikes decision to have a vasectomy, and my standing by him on that, as neither of us wanted to go through either of us having depression ever again. to finding out we were having a surprise 3rd child. which i had somehow been longing for despite the vasectomy. to then finding out our baby had died.. I am sad and grieving for the loss. I think mike is secretely releived because he was so scared of what a 3rd child would do to our family. we talk, but i think he is finding it hard to relate. That's fine, i know where he's at, and mostly he is stil there to give me a big hug just because. Anyways what a novel of a novel, i have probably filled up this post. But that is our journey... a long and intersting one. I hope that it has helped anyone else to relate.. no matter what, just remember you aren't a bad mother, you are a good one for realising that something isn't right. You don't have to feel the way you do and you don't have to be super mum. Noboddy's perfect. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
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Posted By: 11111
Date Posted: 02 May 2007 at 10:44am
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I just have to say Janine despite being shy you are a very helpful and a great friend to have. I remember all thoes time's you helped me on our course. I have so much respect for you. You have gone on to do exactlly what you said you would and I bet you make a geat nurse. Big hug's I know thing's have been really hard the past few week's, but keep talking as you know its the best thing. ------------- Deborah Mum to:   
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 02 May 2007 at 2:34pm
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 02 May 2007 at 2:39pm
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I don't ever really think anyone is 100%.
All i know is that my mum did not have coping mechanisms in place.. and i don't want to be that way. She started on anti-depressants after she had me, she had the biggest melt down after she had me and went to sunnyside for a while, taking me with her.. i'm 25, and she is still on them. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 02 May 2007 at 2:45pm
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Posted By: 11111
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 7:50am
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Ok I have been wating to post in here for a while but not really had the time or sure what to say so here goes. As some of you know My Mother is not well mentally so i have watched a learnt behaviour that is not so good dfor young girl's to know. I spent most of my teenagae life playing Mum to my little bro. At about the age of 20 I After completing my nanny course I moved out of home with no job then got dumped my a boyfriend and my whole world spun out of control. I as so scared I was becoming like my Mum(something that I did not want) Finially I relised I ahd not choice but to do something so of i went to councelling and have to much talking it was decided the best thing for me was to start on anti depressant's. I then got a job working in one place I thought was jsut the worst good old Paky. How ever at least I had money. I plodded along for about 2 year's shifeted back in to Mum's(dumb move) then I met my DH both working a t the same supermarket thing's were finally looking up. I stoped my pill's and life was going so well we were living in a nice place together it was great. Then we got new's about his Mum she had cancer so we came here to NP alot on holiday. Yhen we fopund out we were having a baby I was happy and shocked at the sametime. (I grew up in the church so i had a lot of guilt about being PG outside of marriage) How ever the pregnancy went on without a hitch. THen we got some really sad new's MIL cancer had returned so we knew we had to pack up and move to NP. I was so excited everything fell into place we had a M/W sorted etc. However I did not relise how hard it was going to be moving away from the only place I had ever known. I did wnhat I couldd ot make friend's . Six week's after shifting we had our beautiful a baby boy. Mum and Dad were staying unfortunality that did not go well so we sent them home (Mum was awful to have round). Anyway thing's seemed to be going well baby was great slept well I was feeling a little lonely but ok. Then it all started my parent's finally split for good Dad had had enough and so I had to start dealling with all that while myMIL was getting wores anyway we had great new's we werwe finially gettin married so we planned and saved. On december 10th 2005 we were married it was lovely. 3 day's later we found out we were having our second baby. Unfortunality My MIL just kept getting worse and passed away on the first of Jan. That was the start of everything I could feel myself getting more and more down. Had a good pregnancy, but was not coping did not want to admit it tho. We carried on till one day Mikey was about 2 month's and I jsut lost it DH and I had the biggest fight I was jsut not coping with my life as a Mother of 2 my house was a mess all the time. After talking to a very good friend of mine I went ot the doc and got me some more pill'd so here we are again on anti depressant's. I have come to a relisation tho i am not like my mother at all and jsut need these pill's to keep me even. So if I end up on them for year's to come and that is what work's for me and my family then it is fine. I don't have PND as such, but I do suffer every day with Depression. ------------- Deborah Mum to:
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 9:58am
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And Deb, who's to say you'll need them for too long.. of course whatever works.. but if you go through, and read your post.. have a think.. look at all the terrible terrible things you had to cope with around the times of having your babies, those things are enough to send anyone into depression. I don't know how you coped as long as you did.
I seriously think that's what changed things for me with Ayja, is that the second time around, i had that support, i knew what i was in for, it wasn't a sudden social isolation, i knew i was going back to tech, i had my sister there to stay, so no mum coming round. and mike expressly has told mum a long time ago that if she was going to ring and talk to me about carrie then she was not to ring me at all. Mike and my big sis did all they could to make sure that i did not have any crap to deal with so i could just focus on coping as a mum of two. i am so very thankful for that. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 3:32pm
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 8:09pm
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In my experience, just getting it out there helps. I find it hugely cathartic to just sit down and write down all the things that have happened/are happening, even if I repeat the same things over and over again. There's a line from a song that says something along the lines of "if I write it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threating the life it belongs to" and that is so true for me. Mind you, I am a writer. That's my 'therapy'. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 8:23pm
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Nope, that's totally how it is for me too Emma. hence all of my posts this week. - yes i am at home alone going crazy. but also this tends to be where i turn when things aren't ok for any reason.. because me and mike talk.. but sometimes i just don't want to keep on at him. at least on here people can ignore me if they want lol.. whereas he would just get grumpy after a while if i blabbered on as much as i do here. lol ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 8:32pm
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Willie just goes to sleep. Real supportive audience he is ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 9:36pm
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 May 2007 at 8:56pm
See, I'm just a genius! (They do say all of the classic geniuses in history have been mad as hatters, so I guess that explains my crazy side  )
Amy, Willie surprises me. He pretty much leaves me to get on with it, and I'm never sure whether or not he actually knows whats going on, but the times when I have really lost it and not been able to cope he's just picked up the pieces and put them back together for me. During the now-infamous driveway screaming incident he put all three kids to bed while I sat outside and howled for an hour and a half ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 07 May 2007 at 3:00pm
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If I'm honest? Pretty crappy. I had a major row with Willie last night coz he wouldn't pick up screaming Mercedes while I dealt with screaming Sienna coz he was too busy making a sandwich, and then he told me I "can't handle" the kids. WTF - who does he think looks after them 24-7? I showed him "can't handle" and threw his dinner in the rubbish. Then he didn't put the rubbish out last night and I don't know if it's coz he forgot or coz he is sulking.
Then all the drama at the kidney doctor, and the gremlins are refusing to sleep today so I am feeling a little (or a lot) frazzled
Looking forward to yoga tonight tho. If Mr Useless can be trusted with the kids. I'd hate to make his life too hard  ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 07 May 2007 at 3:35pm
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 07 May 2007 at 6:29pm
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Hugs Amy - we should get these two men and bang their heads together!
I actually think it's probably over for us. I think I've been putting up with too much in the past few weeks and it's now at the point where I'd rather do it on my own. It's just easier. I do 99% of the stuff around the house and with the kids, and I'm supporting all of us while he pays off the ridiculous amount of debt he got himself into last time we were separated and I've just about had enough. I used to think that if we could get thru last year with losing the baby, and the stress my pregnancy put us thru, and those nightmare first few weeks with the gremlins then we could get thru anything but now I don't know. I get the feeling he checked out of this relationship a long time ago (to steal Dr Phils phrase ) and I don't want to be the only one putting in the effort.------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Bumble
Date Posted: 07 May 2007 at 6:45pm
oh Emma.... to you!....------------- formerly known as "Bee" Ethan ~ March 2003 Big 6 year old school boy! Micah ~ Aug 2008 ~ Smiley pants who loves telephones! |
Posted By: nathansmum
Date Posted: 07 May 2007 at 8:19pm
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And out the other side.
I have been through postnatal depression and now I am on the way out the other side of it and as I travel this bumpy road I would like to share my story with you.Insight to this is my first born was 7 weeks prem and had major problems and ended up on life support. 6 weeks after my baby Georgia was born he was diagnosed with Cerepral Palsy. 16 of June 2006 I gave birth to a beautiful long waited for baby girl her name is Georgia Louise She is the most precious thing and next to her brother I could never love another child like I love these two. It is an all-consuming love almost to the point of explosion. But for a while I did wonder if I would ever love my daughter like I loved my son. It is a terrible thing to say and just as huge to admit this but I believe it is part of the healing and I need to heal now so I also need to accept how I was feeling at the time. PND is the worst thing I think any mother could go through. Not truly feeling attached to your child even though it is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world cant help but set you up for the biggest fall in your life because if it is natural why the hell cant I feel it. For so long I used to say to my Georgia that I loved her but I did not like her and I used to say that to people as well but what I was really hiding was the fact that I did not even love her as I had no emotion left in my body or soul to even describe what I felt for her. I would look at her and just cry, I would think that I did not love her and cry, just the thought of having to feed her and hold her made me cry and writing this now is making me cry and that was basically my life for the first 16 weeks of my beautiful baby girls life and I have overwhelming guilt because of this but at the same time I know it is not my fault nor is it Georgia’s fault. The day I asked for help was the worst day of this debilitating disease but it was also the last day of it as I had finally asked for help and I was so not expecting the help I got in many different ways. That day had started off like all the others consisting of me not wanting to get up or even out of bed but I had to, as my husband was off to work. My son was in a typical 2 yr old mood and started to whine and I have never yelled at my children but something in me started to boil and even boil does not describe the feeling in my body and I finally snapped. The voice that came out of me and yelled at my son was not mine I had never even heard it before and I have no recollection of what it said to my son but from the frightened look on his face I new it had scared the life out of him and I then sunk to the floor wanting to die and I just cried, this was the first time I had actually cried completely. I always started to cry and thought STAY STRONG but this time there was no strongness in my soul it had departed and left me broken, shattered like a run over dog I had never felt so low and in despair with the feeling of no way out. Now I look back and I can see so many people could see it happening and were waiting for me to call. Not in a horrible way but they just knew the warning signs and could see me coming like a steam train and when I collided with the wall the steam train just wanted to keep on going. When I thought all the tears had stopped I picked up my plunket book and rung my plunket nurse and she was one of the few that saw it coming as a few weeks earlier she did a big no no in her profession and put her home number in my book. I rang her and burst into tears she had a quick chat and said she would be there as soon as possible but was going to get someone to call to make sure I was okay as she had a meeting to go to. I then hung up from her and rang my husband. I was so ashamed to be ringing him and telling him I could not cope as I was a women that did cope and did not ask for help or fall over like I just had. My husband was so great he even came home just to give me a cuddle and check that everyone was okay. I was then referred to Maternal Mental Health on the North Shore and from there went through the process of seeing a doctor and a consoler and they wanted me to go on medication but being the battler I thought I was I said no but after a few weeks I could see I was getting no where fast and took the medication and I cannot believe the difference it made after a couple of weeks it was like the cloud had lifted and I could see again. From there I have gone from strength to strength I now know it was not my fault and I am not a failure as a mother I just had a bloody rough time of it and needed a little help to see the way. I have recently read the book written by Brooke Shields called “Down came the Rain” and I laughed and I cried my way through it and I feel it was the best thing I had done as it gave me an insight to someone else who had the problems I did and I believe anyone with PND should get a copy of this from your local library. Thanks and good luck to all. |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 07 May 2007 at 8:47pm
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 07 May 2007 at 10:22pm
dont forget amy that planning weddings - big, small, casual or not - are hard work and stressful. maybe your man just thinks that your mum is pressuring you into doing something you dont want. they have funny ways of showing they care 
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Posted By: mozwart
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 1:32am
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Last year we went through our second round of IVF (our first resulted in our beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter). At my 7 week scan, there were two heart beats. Went into shock for a while but slowly accepted and began to look forward to having two wonderful babies, but could not imagine how I would ever cope. Didn't have to worry about it for too long as at my 19 week scan discovered that one of the babies had died at around 16 weeks. Was told that I would have to carry my dead baby until survivor was born as removing it was too risky to the other twin.
So began my rollercoaster ride into hell. I spent the next few months crying hysterically during the night and not wanting to get up and look after my daughter during the daytime. I just basically got up to prepare her meals and then returned to bed and let her watch TV in my bedroom for most of the day. I could not get past the fact that my body was a cemetary. I could not get on with and enjoy life as that would be disrespecting my dead baby. After 5 weeks, I called my midwife and told her that I thought I was depressed and was not coping and she sent me straight to my GP and he referred me to MMH. That evening, my neighbour and close friend died suddenly and I had a front row seat out my front window. Got a letter from MMH two weeks later telling me that they would get to me in about six weeks time as they were so busy. My sister finally got hold of them and told them that they had to see me asap as she was worried about what I would do to myself. They finally came to see me. I was booked in for an elective c-section a week before my due date. A few weeks before this date I was in the doctors office crying hysterically begging him to bring it forward by one more week. I just had a feeling it was all going to go pear shaped. He refused and gave me a prescription for anti-depressants. Three days before my operation date, I went into labour. Got to the hospital at around 11.00pm. My pains were 5 mins apart (they had started at 7 mins) and soon after arriving they were 2 mins apart. Midwife kept calling the doctor on duty, but he didn't seem to want to come in to do my operation in the middle of the night. He finally came in (after my husband demended that he make an appearance at least) and after witnessing two contractions (I was literally screaming) got in the surgical team. Thank goodness cause Rebecca's feet were up by her face and she was in breech (that explained the pain). We had the other baby looked at by a perinatal pathologist and found out it was a boy and as he was born after 20 weeks, he got a birth certificate (bittersweet). I'm still on the pills and love them. They make my life normal and my moods even. I certainly notice if I miss a few in a row. I start to cry again whenever I think of Regan. I love my girls (Rebecca is now 5 months), but even now find it hard to get up some days. Rebecca is very unsettled, especially at night, but ironically has been sleeping through for the most part since seven weeks. Just really hard to get into bed. Samantha was sleeping through, but has started waking up again at least once a night. I really feel like Samantha is missing out on a lot and feel really guilty most of the time. I just can't seem to get organised. If we need to go anywhere during the day, it all just takes so much organising, it's easier to just stay home. I just dropped off her enrollment for kindy last week so hopefully things will get back to normal. Every week, I think to myself "This week I'll take the girls to playgroup", but it never works out that way. God, I'm such a mess. LOL. Honestly, I feel much better than I did. |
Posted By: Binn
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 8:46am
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Hi guys i dont know if i have PND but after reading what some of you have been through i think I do fit the bill.
I cry at absolutely everything and feel lost and alone most of the time. Being a first time mum with no family or friends network here in Auckland has been tough over the last few weeks, my partner is at work all day and when he comes home I dont feel that i should have to burden him with how i'm feeling, I'm not actually a person who admits i need help or even asks I've always marched along. Even as I'm sitting here typing this I'm crying and expecting to hear Cameron wake up any minute, he has reflux and only sleeps in 45 minute periods on a good day other days he's awake all day. |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 9:35am
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and therein is the hardest par tof it all. asking forh elp. I always always have had the childhood of making sure i didn't cry, i didn't ask for help, my mum was too busy, too tired, too depressed. and that was that, so i just thought i could do it all myself - petrified that if mike knew he'd take off with PAris and leave me thinking i was crazy. When we finally talked, he was so sad to hear that he had been so oblivious, to think i had gone through this alone, and thought that he would leave me. No-one can make you do it you need to find that courage in yourself, but once you do, ohhh it's like that weight has been lifted, it's out there, it's no longer that horrible scary terrifying secret.. it's a problem and you've shared it.
good luck ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 9:42am
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Mozwart, settingyourself goals is a great way to do things, but if it all seems a bit overwhelming, try little steps.
I would get the nappy bag and buggy ready then ight before.. so that was one less thing to do. At first it was just, "right, we are going to go outside today," we'd get the mail and looka t leaves and play a bit of ball.. or even just hang the washing. Next steps after being able to get that sorted a few times were "right, am just going to walk to the shop today" even if i had no reason to go, i'd stop and get myself something special like a can of creaming soda.. mmm. something FOR ME. After a while, it got to thepoint of "right i can walk to town today, everythings in teh bag, lets go" I gave myself out clauses but i think knowing that there was no pressure put on myself, by myself, meant that i felt safe to just keep going, to walk past the letterbox, to walk past the shop, to walk into town, to go to our playgroup. And after the first 2 times, it was easier, i found someone else going through the same, we would sit and talk it out while our kids played. it was the best therapy for me. good luck and set small steps to big goals, actually getting to playgroup when you feel this way, is a big step. just think little steps, right i will stick the kids int he car, right i will get in, right i will drive to .... " at any time you can pull out. but you'll get there. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 9:57am
That's my biggest fear - that Maya (and the gremlins) will grow up thinking that. I don't want my depression to alter the way they grow up, I'm their Mum and I need to be the strong one, not the other way around. Binn - Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. I can't imagine what is must have been like to lose one of your precious babes and then still have to focus on being pregnant and giving birth to another. I commend the strength you have for just getting thru it, and I'm sure your wee angel is very proud of his Mum and sisters. I know for me time is a big healer, it doesn't make the pain go away, but it does bring lots of new, better memories that make the pain seem more manageable. Mozwart - I'm sorry to hear you feel so isolated. I agree with Mum2paris ,just getting out of the house makes me feel so much better, even if it is a military operation to get the four of us out the door in the morning. I don't know which part of Auckland you are in but a group of mums (and Dad's) from the message boards gets together every couple of months or so, and I've met some great people that way. You're always welcome to come along. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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mum2paris wrote:Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 10:01am
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Oh and just about me (coz really it's ALL about me ) I woke Himself up at 1am coz I decided if I can't sleep coz of his silly behaviour then he's not going to sleep either. We had a good talk, I'm still not sure where we stand but at least we've started communicating coz that hasn't happened a lot lately. Altho after talking for an hour and a half and crying my eyes out the cheeky sod still thought he was going to get him some ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 10:14am
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ha, they're great like that. i spose the nice thing ihad swinging for me with the talk i had with mike last night was that i said to him "hhhm think of all the "relations" you'd get if we TTC#3, lol"
him being the way he is, that would definately come into his equation for his final decision i feel . but yeah that is the most frustrating thing in the world, they think cos you've opened up and had a hear tot heart that now you're all forgiven and vulnerable and wanting to be close to them is what they think means "sweet, I'm in!" ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 11:31am
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Yep! Here I was thinking "it's so nice to actually feel close to each other" and here was him thinking "nice! She wants in!"
Needless to say, he did NOT get what he was after! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 11:50am
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lolol ...... and so back to the sulking . lol ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 12:10pm
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 12:14pm
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 1:13pm
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man
read WHAT? lol mike reads car magazines and stock car stuff, i had a hard enough time gettin ghim to read anything about pregnancy.. (which if i remember rightly, he didn't) to get him to read a book about love languages, lolol.. that would be funny. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 7:55pm
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Willie reads the TV pages. And on the odd occasion the sports pages in the Sunday Herald, but only to check the Super 14/NRL tables.
Big hugs Amy - if your Dad's the boss can't you tell your workmate to go and get knotted? Daddy won't fire you will he? Just kidding - I've worked for my dad before now and lets just say we live and learn.
I'm still keen on getting all these useless men in one place and bashing their heads together. Will be amusing if nothing else ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 8:48pm
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 08 May 2007 at 9:28pm
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LMAO - I said the exact same thing to Toni yesterday. Sometimes I wish Willie WAS violent! Don't get me wrong, I have been in an abusive relationship in the past and it is so not cool, but it would at least show that he cares enough to fight about it instead of just ignoring me. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 09 May 2007 at 12:55pm
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 09 May 2007 at 1:00pm
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aaahhh, sleep is gooood. not that i would know have had very little as not been able to go back to bed after kids have gone thel ast few mornings and have stayed up lateish cos couldn't sleep, so is annoying.
and on the getting them all together.. nah, mike's pretty good, ok... damn good, i don't think he needs that. That and i think he would get broken. lolol (am i too protective of him?, i think he hates that i am.. but hello, at only 2x the weight of our 3 yr old.. i just feel that he is easily "breakable" lol) ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 09 May 2007 at 1:21pm
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 10 May 2007 at 4:34pm
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OK heres a little about what I went through. After I had Andrew's I struggled with BF. I had a low supply and a very hungry baby. After 3 weeks of struggling my MW advised me to top him up with formula. She came around with some formula and showed me how to mix it up (which was really helpful) and how warm it should be. I feed Andrew both sides and he still wanted more so I gave him the bottle (about 110 mls it was) and he drunk the whole lot. My MW was shocked that he did it and worked out the low supply. I felt so bad that I couldn't "just" feed my baby as I was told supply and demand a baby drinks what it needs and your breasts makes enough for the baby. Not so for me. My MW was really suportive and was I was said when we had to part company and move onto Plunket. I was told that my plunket nurse was great so was looking forward to meeting her. She came around just after Andrew had been feed and saw the bottle. And one of the first things out of her mouth "why are you bottle feeding" did she not read the notes. The first time someone had made me feel bad about having to give my baby formula. So from there we did not have a good relationship and it made it hard to get help from the start. When Andrew turned 3 months old I went back to work (casual doing 20 hours a week at night) and my first break I went down to the smoking shed and had a smoke I felt so bad. Work was making me upset and my way of dealing with it was have a smoke (I stopped the day I found out I was pregnant and my first smoke was the day I stopped BF) so I did and the chain effect kicked in and I started smoking again. I knew I had to get out of that job if I was to be happy with myself. I got a new job (a fulltime during the day one) and needed to put Andrwe into care. I was fine about putting him into care in theory but in my head I didn't want to. After 6 weeks working I lost the plot at home, I would pick Andrew up from daycare and sit with him and cry. DH didn't know what was happening and witht he fact we had no surport from plunket didn't know who to talk to about what was going on with me. He ended up taking me to the Dr who said PND. I went into work the next day and for some reason just couldn't do anything. My team leader spoke to me and I had to tell her what was happening. She arranged for me to have a break, I had been in the job 7 weeks and I needed a break - just what I wanted to hear. I told her I couldn't afford to take one and then I was told it was paid (I felt a whole lot better), so I took the rest of the week (2 days) off. I went back to my dr who told me I was probably strong enough to go with out meds (something I was happy about). I was then fine for the next few months. Andrew was 9 months and I started to get horrible AF pains and I knew my Endo was coming back. I went straight to the dr and he got me to have a scan and then we would talk surgery. I had the scan and I could see the endo and I knew I needed an op. I went private (thank god for insurance) and got the op done 3 weeks after seeing my dr. I got an infection in one of the wounds and in general was just so upset with everything that I knew PND had set in again. My dr gave me the name (I can't remember what it was) of some natural stuff to take and I felt much better after I started taking them. My work was so good with everything, all the time off I had was paid and they gave me use of the counciller that fixed term employees usually don't get. I was able to sort things out. Then I found out I was pregnant again. I was so angry we had BD one time without protection at what I thought was a safe time of the month. This time DH saw the signs and got me to take a break. I know I managed to come out the other end without having to use meds, but I don't know that next time I will be able to. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 11 May 2007 at 12:17am
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it's scary stuff aye.. and i sooo felt like that with ayja when we first found out it wasl ike "dammit, how could we be sooo careless?!" but well, she was a great experience.
lol.. by the way your little man is just so very cute.. just a little unnerving with the starring competition!! Awwww. I want one. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 23 August 2007 at 12:43pm
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Just bumping this thread for the new "members" to add their stories or just read everyone elses. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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