Am I over reacting?
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=757
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Topic: Am I over reacting?
Posted By: toniellis
Subject: Am I over reacting?
Date Posted: 13 June 2005 at 3:43pm
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My partner & I had an argument about this woman about 4 months ago (I think) because he was telling her that he would drop everything for her and how she was beautiful.
I personally know exactly how she feels about my man and she would take him from me if she could. She is a long time friend of his too. Anyway I was really upset and asked him not to talk to her as the things they had said to each other were what I considered to be beyond the "friendship" level. He agreed and I stayed with him. It was a huge relief off my mind and our relationship has been great. Then this afternoon I found out he had been talking to her all along and had just put her number under a different name! I confronted him and then told him I was leaving. I was crying so hard I threw up. This woman is the only sore point of our relationship. He has begged me to stay, promising that he won't talk to her anymore because I mean far more to him. I agreed but now I am having second thoughts. I'm sorry to share all my personal stuff but there really is no one else. I have just moved to Matamata from Auckland with my partner and I don't have any friends down here yet. I'm feeling pretty lonely and this has really hit me hard. I trusted him and he has completely blown that trust away.  ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Replies:
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 13 June 2005 at 4:56pm
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Aw Toni that sucks. I'm sorry I have no worthwhile comments to make, I'm only good if you want to b*tch about men. (I can devote hours to the topic!)
I really hope you guys can work through this. |
Posted By: AlyAyde
Date Posted: 13 June 2005 at 6:42pm
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That really Sucks Toni. Only you can decide if you think your relationship is worth saving. If you are going to be happy and all those other questions. You can get free relationship counsilling through the family courts if you decide that is the route you want to take. Sometimes it helps to have a neutral thrid party that both of you can talk to. ------------- Jayde 25/12/04 Alyssa 08/04/03 http://Alyayde.bebo.com |
Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 11:00am
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Hi everyone.
I am still with my partner and things have calmed down, but its like he is ignoring that it even happened. He won't talk about it unless I bring it up and then he changes the subject as soon as possible. I don't really want counselling as I have had a bad experience with a rape counsellor who was extremely pushy. The last two years have been really rough with miscarriage and my Dad died just before Xmas just been. I'm not really able to talk to my mum as we don't have that kind of relationship. I'm sorry if it sounds like a sob story and I'm sure most people have their own story to tell. I just feel very alone in the world and there doesn't seem to be any other people my age around here. I'm 21 and everyone around is either a lot older or a lot younger. ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: kas
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 11:31am
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Hey Toni man do i feel for you it really sucks when things are going bad in your relationship. All i can say is at the end of the day do you want to be with him and try and make things works or not think its worth it at all. If you think you will be happier without him then leave but also you have a little baby to think about. Good luck and i hope things start working out for you, i know what you mean by not having any friends i have just moved to Te Puke its hard leaving your friends behind but i guess we both just have to get out there and make new friends. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 11:38am
Toni, I hope that you are feeling a little better. I can totally relate to how you are feeling, Willie played the same sorts of games when I was pregnant with Maya. We split up when she was 3 mths old, and got back together again just before her second birthday. For us personally (well actually more for him  ) the time out gave us a chance to reevaluate our priorities and to grow up and to see whether we both still wanted the same things from our relationship. Being a single mum has made me stronger, don't get me wrong it was damn hard, and these lovely ladies here helped me thru some very tough times, but I am now much more secure in myself because of what I have been thru.
I can't really offer you any advice other than that you know in your heart what is right for you. You and your partner are the only ones who can decide what direction your relationship will take from here, if any, and if and how the trust cn be rebuilt. Good luck, and I will be thinking of you  -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 11:48am
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OH Toni...I am so sorry to hear about your problems.
Have you ever asked him why he said those things to her? And exactly what he meant with that? (My hubby tells me I should have been a lawyer and not an accountant).... I have been with my hubby for 9 years and we fight all the time....I even had a fight with him this morning 
I always tell him, that I can tolerate every thing but not cheating or lies. If I can’t trust him, I won’t be with him. Baby or no baby. So I guess the question is, deep down do you trust him? Do you believe that he is capable of leaving you and your baby? If not, then talk to him..tell him that you feel uncomfortable about all this and you guys need to come to a solution. Sorry to blabber on and on. I do hope that you work it out.....Best of Luck. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 11:53am
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I still love him of course and all I want is to be with him.
He says he doesn't want me to leave and that I mean more to him than anything. He even said he wants to get married. More than anything I just want to talk about it. I just couldn't understand why he did it again after last time. Just confused and hurt. I guess I only posted it as a topic because its a way of getting all my feelings out. Missing my friends in Auckland like crazy & its not the same talking to them over the phone, emailing or texting. I'm the kind of person who doesn't have heaps of friends just a few really good ones. ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 12:04pm
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Thanks Roksana
I have said to him this is the last chance he gets. If he hides anything from me again & I find out about it then that is it. He knows I mean it. It has definitely broken the trust but we have been through hell together and we don't fight very often and 99% of the time it is just little tiffs that are over before they begin. When we had Alex it brought us a lot closer and we have been together for nearly 4 years now since I was 17. Sorry if this sounds really soppy or just one of those things that "young" people say but I believe we are soulmates, two sides to the same coin I suppose. He said he only said those things to cheer her up as she has had a lot of problems with depression. I think she is just acting a part to keep his attention now. I'm not ready to break up my relationship over some stupid girl. Not yet anyway. ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 12:46pm
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I had a feeling that he could be trying to make her feel better...so basically...oh don’t worry If I was so and so I would drop every thing for you etc etc.
No it is not soppy at all, I know when you love some one allot it is hard to take these things. They say people who love you the most hurt you the worst...so every little thing hurts....same here. We fight…ok argue mostly because I point out every thing I don’t like…so that later he cant say to me that he never knew I felt like that…….. If your man said that you mean the most to him and that he wants to marry you, than just relax for now and talk to him. You won’t achieve any thing by ignoring the problem. Again good luck and I am sure you guys will work it out. We are here for you. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 1:36pm
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Oh Toni, how awful for you. You really need to talk to him I think, because if you don't trust him, it will eat yu up inside. My husband is the biggest flirt in the world, but he knows the line and he knows that I trust him. He also knows that one indiscretion would have to be the end of our relationship. Even if he doesn't wanna talk about stuff, i really think you need to. What about a family friend or something to act as a mediator? (although presonally I would rather just talk the two of you, ifI were you)
hope everything goes well for you |
Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 1:48pm
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Well guess what I did.
I emailed "HER". Don't ask me why. She said that my partner told her how he felt about her but SHE told HIM that nothing would ever happen. I showed him the email and he was said she is stirring sh*t. Anyway the talking thing wasn't happening so when he came in for lunch I showed him this forum and left him too it. He read the whole thing then came and gave me a cuddle. He just didn't know what to say but the contact was a relief. Lizzle he has always been a very caring kind of guy who actually LISTENS and he always likes to help. A lot of his friends are female which is hard sometimes, but he doesn't flirt. I honestly don't think he would even come close to crossing the line but certain females will try it on anyway. ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 1:54pm
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I am glad you at least started the "healing" process....
Its amazing how much power a cuddle has ..huh?? 
------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 2:03pm
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Yeah its pretty good.
Hugs for everyone! ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: newmum
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 3:59pm
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Wow, that was a good idea letting him read everything. It is often easier to write thoughts down to get them all out and leaving him to read it meant no interruptions. Well done! It was a brave thing to do. I hope it was the starting point for you to really sort everything out because although cuddles are the best thing, it alone won't make you trust more or fix everything. But the best kind of start!! Hugs from me too! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 7:44pm
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I was really nervous when he read it. I couldn't just stand there beside him while he read it. I went into the bedroom and huddled under the blanket.
It was kinda funny though. He said it is great that I can just talk to everyone on here and not bottle everything up like I usually do. I had to agree with him there! ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 8:11pm
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We're proud of you, Toni, for being that brave and confronting this all head-on! You go girl!
Hey, I live in Hamilton and I'm 24 (so only a little older than you). PM me for my contact details if you're ever over this way and want a cup of coffee! ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 9:05pm
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oooooo I'm going home to Rotorua next week for a couple of weeks. I want to go over to see Gwyn in Hamilton so we should all meet up! (Have to escape my Mum's house somehow, I'm pretty sure she's going to drive me nuts!)
Sounds like you are your partner will work through this. If anything comes from it, it might be that he sees that she's a little manipulative? (The email sounded as though she was a bit like that) You guys will be fine, I'm sure
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 9:43pm
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My goodness I only just came on here and checked this. I have been through the exact same thing with Mike only a few weeks before i found out i was pregnant with Paris. He met some chick over the net and became great friends with her, went to see her all the time, spent all his time there, and even lent her a huge sum of cash from his inheritance (over $400).She was all over him, one of those skanky types. In the end, he left me because he wasn't sure of his feelings for either of us and didn't want to be the guy who cheated. it was only then that she decided that she didn't really feel that way inclined towards him any more. once we got back together after i found out i was pregnant, she said she was pregnant to some guy she had been seeing. even asking mike to be the godfather (oh please!!) she moved away when I was 4 months pregnant..she would have been about the same.. aparently she says she miscarried a few weeks later.. it sounds terrible for me to say, but i think she may have made the whole thing up. she kept texting him and messaging him for ages, until about year ago made him get rid of everything related to her.. in front me.. after i found out he still had her number on his phone. he said he never realised it bothered me. she tried to contact us again a few weeks ago.. to find out the bank account number so she could pay back the cash.. it never happened.
Mike sounds like your hubby.. he gets on better with women than men, and while he doesn't outwardly flirt.. he is quite cheeky and fun-loving. I hope you can work through it.. sounds like you have made the first step.. i know it is hard to get through this sort of thing. For the most part, we have put the whole thing behind us, but every once and a while i still get a doubt if he makes friends with a new girl at his work or whatever.. I think it will be a long time before i don't. Sometimes you can give yourself 99% but still need that 1% that you won't give up, just in case you get hurt again. make sure he knows how much it bothers you, talk about it.. not agrumentatively.. but in a way that puts both of your thoughts on the table. good luck. sorry this has been so long. I really hope things turn out for you. Where in Matamata do you live.. my sister lives there. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
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Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 14 June 2005 at 9:57pm
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Hi Janine. I live in Waharoa just on the outskirts of Matamata.
We have been talking it through a little. He has been having a peek at this forum every time he gets on here now!!! Cheeky bugger. I'm hoping he is going to take all of your suggestions in 
I would love to meet some people from here, it would be really lovely. ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 15 June 2005 at 1:24am
| to get off topic, but how is Alex Toni? I think me, you and Nikki all have babies around the same age. |
Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 15 June 2005 at 8:37am
Alex is great! 
He is teething at the moment with his fourth tooth coming through so he has been waking up a lot at night. He has just started to say Mumma which is sooooo cute. And I am wondering how long it will take for him to start walking as he has been pulling himself up to stand on the furniture for the last few weeks. Its hard enough to keep track of him crawling so I'm not looking forward to him being able to walk! Took him out on the farm yesterday afternoon and he loved being outside with his Dad. He sat watching him & the other farm workers. Was a great outing. Planning on going to the opal hotsprings this afternoon with the boss's kids and nanny, should be fun and relaxing! ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 15 June 2005 at 8:57am
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Sorry for the hijack, Toni...
Nikki, sounds great! Gwyn and I get together irregularly for coffee and our girls play together. We'll have to organise a get-together - Toni, come along too! ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 15 June 2005 at 10:42am
| How is Gwyn? and Gracie? long time no Oh baby site I think! |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 16 June 2005 at 12:43pm
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She doesn't have access to the internet at the moment... They were good the last time I saw them, which was about 2 weeks ago. ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 16 June 2005 at 9:38pm
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I saw her Dad when I was home last and he said that Gracie is walking around tables and stuff. (Damnit, I know I shouldn't be competitive but Hannah has only just started to crawl... I feel so behind! hahaha Maybe she'll make up for it with her stunning good looks? )
I can't wait to see them! I'm so slack at keeping in touch though. She gave me her address so I could write to her but that has never happened! I'm terrible 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 16 June 2005 at 11:12pm
| OMG, I was just about to write, why don't you email. I've just finished work and am tired....thats my excuse |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 16 June 2005 at 11:13pm
| Hey niki, I alkso competitive as hell, but in the end, both Grace, Hannah, and Jake will walk and it will be of little importance who walks first. Also, kids that walk quickly are likely not to vocalise early. jake walks around stuff, but doesn't really say a lot....well, he says a lot, but nothing beyond babababa, mamamamam...no dadadad yet, hehehe |
Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 17 June 2005 at 4:24pm
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Hey Lizzle that is so funny that you say that about kids that walk quickly are not likely to vocalise much. Alex doesn't make much in the way of noises except his mummummum noise and I'm pretty sure he will be walking really soon.
------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 17 June 2005 at 7:44pm
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And yet Maya walked at 10 mths and you can't shut her up! But don't stress too much Nikki, Maya was over 8 mths before she started to crawl, yet at 7 mths she could pull herself up on things and walk around. She just had no interest in crawling and as soon as she figured out how to walk that was it. I think she only crawled for about 6 weeks. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 17 June 2005 at 9:54pm
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Paris walked at 15mths, and she is really great with her talking and concentration on things.. she couldn't walk or move, so she learnt to talk, and sit and figure things out. was nice actually.. by the time she could get to things she wasn't allowed and touch them.. she was old enough to be reasoned with a little bit.
can't wait to see what ayja will be like.. put her on her tummy on the floor for the first time yesterday.. she practically crawled away!.. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 19 June 2005 at 12:05pm
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Gosh... Kiya crawled at 7 months (almost to the day), starting pulling herself up on things a week later, and was walking at 9.5 months. She started talking early, and I still haven't found a way to stop her! ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 19 June 2005 at 4:37pm
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I have faith that Han will pull through!
Probably going to be a blessing if she stays put for longer. Can't imagine her getting into more mischief than she already does. There is an 10/11? month old baby at creche that is just learning to crawl now, so obviously they all move at different paces. Hard to fit milestones into ages! |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 20 June 2005 at 9:21am
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One of Kiya's best friends is 6 weeks older than her. Dana didn't learn to crawl until she was closer to 13/14 months old (mostly because she's got really long legs and they got in the way) ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 22 June 2005 at 2:26pm
my boy jack is 10mths on june 25 and isn't at all interested in crawling 
he will lie on his back/tum and move around in a circle but that's it. don't get me wrong, i'm quite happy for him to be stationery, but i do get a little worried that he's behind everyone, ya know?? he was in a pavlik harness for the first 10wks (dislocated hips) but i don't think that would make a difference. ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 22 June 2005 at 4:21pm
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i'm sure jack will get the hang of it soon. my theory was always that if hannah gets to 5 years old and she still isn't moving, then i'd be a bit worried
like hannah, jack is probably making up for it with his stunning good looks!
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Posted By: newmum
Date Posted: 22 June 2005 at 4:23pm
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Ummm, sorry to butt in, but I was just wondering how things are going with Toni re. the original post? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 22 June 2005 at 4:28pm
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haha sorry???
I'm sure I was the one who originally dragged the posts way off topic! (I always do it... sorry guys!) I hope everything is going well now Toni
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Posted By: newmum
Date Posted: 22 June 2005 at 4:30pm
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hahaha, I didn't mean to say it in a bad way, I was just wondering!
I just realised I am now officially a "groupie" and not a "newbie" anymore, how exciting (Now if that isn't going off topic I don't know what is! lol)------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: toniellis
Date Posted: 22 June 2005 at 5:26pm
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Hi again
Well as far as this original topic is going.... I've let my man start talking to his "friend" again as long as I am kinda kept in the loop. I'm not really 100% happy about it but he has been pretty good about it as far as I know. He is well aware he is on his last chance. I have made a friend out here so its been really great. The farm boss has a nanny on full time and she is wonderful to chat with & we have taken the kids out to the hotsprings and had a few other outings. Also we got our very first calf born on the farm for this season. Its so little & cute! I'm chief in charge of calves so I'm pretty busy organising everything. We have 800 cows to calve so......799 calves still to come!! My little boy Alex has had a lot of achievements lately. He just popped his FOURTH tooth through and has been walking around holding the furniture and he has started saying Dada too. Still he said Mumma first! He is growing up far too quickly though!! ------------- Mum to Alex (11), Blaire (10) & Erika (8) and Damien (6) Successful HWB VBA2Cs! Soon to be surrogate |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 22 June 2005 at 10:46pm
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Oh good, he's worked out that honesty is the best policy. Good on you for being tolerant as well... as long as you aren't being hurt by it.
Cool that you've found someone to hang with! It'll only be a matter of time before you have too many to cope with
Know how you feel with the growing... seems like only yesterday that Hannah was born. Was looking at photos and how small she used to be! Definitely not small now... little chubber. |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 23 June 2005 at 10:48am
| my friend just had a baby. I'd forgotten how little and fragile they are. jake looks like a monster next to her. |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 23 June 2005 at 11:11am
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We were watching the videos of Maya's first birthday yesterday, and I can't get over how litte she was and how much she has grown! It's scary. Next time round I think I will appreciate it more, instead of wanting Maya to hurry up and start rolling, crawling, walking... ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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