Think I am going crazy

Hi there, I am just new at this so please bear with me if I ramble to much or go off on a tangent.
Bascially I was diagnosed with PND when my second son was 3 weeks and i was on meds for 3 months until I thought I was better and went off them cold turkey, the following year has been pretty crap really, I left my kids father (i have two boys 3 and 18mths) got into aother relationship to fast - I think I was just trying to fill a gap, moved towns to new boyfriends and that only lasted a wekk before I had a complete melt down and went running home to my boys dad - he has been such a wonderful support for me and is wanting to sort things out when I am feeling better, but as good as he is I still don;t feel able to open up to him as I feel I have failed him majorly and feel like he should hate me, so I don't tell him how bad I am really feeling cos I know he is worried about me enough.
I went back to the doctor and got back on AD meds and Sleeping Pills, that was 15 days ago and if anything I feel worse, the panic/anxiety attacks are more frequent and intense, so went back again today with a list of everything I could think of, my feelings and physically symptoms, she was a little helpful but even she did not know what to say to me - I am guessing she has never been there. So anyway she gave me some meds for the anxiety which help but not for very long - She said take one whenever I feel anxious - which is quite a bit, but the bottle says to only take one - has anyone had experience with this? She did want to call the mental health crisis team at the hospital but I told her that I don't want to harm myself or my babies and I don't, I can't stand to be away from them even though they cause me a lot of stress and anxiety!! So she just said to call them If i ever feel like doing something. But I am scared that if I take their help they will think I am too sick to look after my babies and take them off me - which would just destroy me.
Ok not really too sure what else to write, oh except has anyone done the edinburgh test for PND? if you have what were your scores if you don't mind me asking, and if you ahve not done it I found this link useful http://www.testandcalc.com/etc/tests/edin.asp
My score was 29.
Anyway just came on here in the hope of finding people who may be going through similar things. Thanks for taking time to read my post

Jo

Lets start with a huge

I used the services of MMH, it was the best thing I could have done. I am not sure what town you are in but the AKL team are fantastic.
If you were adamant you don't want their help maybe talk to your plunket nurse.
In AKL they run a group for women with PND with the help of MMH. I went along every week for about 12 weeks. It was a huge step for me to deal with my feelings and how to cope with them also.
There is also the help from Barnadoes. This I did not get in time but was lucky enough with MMH.

I hope things look up for you in the near furture.

Take Care

ok firstly thanks for the great support and words of encoragemnt. Still wondering what other people may have scored on the ed test - I am still concered that mine is quite high 29. but anyway that is not my major concern at the moment and forgive me if this sound totally weird as it is starting to freak me out a bit, but since last night I have been seeing hallucinations, started with things I thought were moving inthe corners of my eyes but now I can actually wat ch somethingfor long periods of time while they move about - I knw it is not real cos my friend was here and I kept asking her, but as she has gone now am getting a bit panicky about it.'has anyone has anything like this or know what might be causing it. While to begin with it was actully a bit funny but now the anxiety meds are wearing off I m scarred that they will turn evil.
I did go the MMH service here in Palmy and they were not too bad and set up a plan for me for the weekend and then get a key worker to come sort out practical stuff like getting a pshychatrist, extra help with kids and home help ect. Was kind of hoping this would help me find other people who have had hallucinations
I

I would highly reccommend the Maternal Mental Health team, I saw them as a day patient in Wellington, and they were fantastic, they gave me practical advise for coping mechanisms for my anxiety, advised me re medications, how and when to take them. They are the experts, rather than your GP. In wellington it did take nearly 12 weeks for my referra, by which time I had been on meds for 2 months which did help with my situation
I know in Wellington there is also a Post natal distress support group, I haven't used this yet but it's a resource on my list. My Plunket nurse gave me info. Also a group called Mothers network, which I did go to and can't reccommend highly enough, again i think it is only Wellington based, I went to a discussion group for new mothers and got so much out of it, I found out I was normal and my anxieties were just normal reactions but had been over amplified. If it's useful they run a older babies course too
I hope you can find some help and peace for yourself, take it easy on yourself and take care of yourself.
claire