Worried father of 1 with triplets on their way

Hello,

An introduction.. Apart from a forum I built a few years ago, I never use them. But my current concerns raise the need, and I think the title says it all.

My partner and I have a beautiful 4yo girl who means the absolute world to me. Wanting her to have a brother/sister, as well as to make a complete family (in my view), we tried for another. Early this year we miscarried which was a big blow, but we got back on our horse and tried again.
We are now 12weeks to big healthy triplets. We had the 12week scan today.

I know there are people out there who would love just to fall pregnant at all, and I don't want to sound selfish but triplets is a huge shock. I guess this is why I am venting on a forum. I want to speak my thoughts without being judged, espcially to people who might understand. My partner is over the shock and is very excited, so it's hard to talk to her about my issues. She thinks she doesn't have my support, which in some ways might be true. Before I go any further, I would like to explain why.

1) I always pictured having a family of 4. 2 adults, 2 children. Although this is not a big deal at all, I'm having trouble coming to terms with it. 5 I could cope with, but I never ever imagined 6.

2) My daughter is going to miss out. The triplets will most likely group together and it'll be the triplets and her. Not "her and the baby".

3) Financially this is going to put a huge strain on us. For example, I always wanted to send my kids to private school. But with 4, and 3 all in the same year, this is going to be almost impossible. That's another dream of mine, almost in tatters. But everything we do is going to be much more expensive and potentially we are all going to miss out.

4) Logistically. 4 kids at different times would be OK, but having 3 all at the same stage is going to prohibit us from doing so much. You can't buy triplet strollers. Cars and baby seats is a hassle, and when they learn to walk they will have to be on leads because they will all walk in different directions. We each only have 2 arms!

They would be the key points. They are so many points for each that at the moment, I can't get excited.
Please don't get me wrong. I will love these children with all my heart, as much as I love my daughter. But I want to provide for these in the best way I can, and by having 4, I don't think I can do that in the way I wanted to.

I need help. I would love to talk to some people that have gone through this, hopefully the dads too.

Thanks.

There is (was) a girl on here a year or two ago who had triplets. I can't remember her forum handle but somebody else might. 

I don't blame you for being floored! I would love twins or triplets, but even then in the eventuality I think it would take some getting used to! I can also talk as someone who had to try for a while to have children - you don't sound selfish, all your concerns are pretty valid.

I do think that once the shock wears off, you'll be able to see the positives more, because I would put money on the fact once they're here you're going to be totally in love and wouldn't change things for the world. That doesn't mean it's not OK to be pretty freaked out right now, of course.

For now, would it help to work out how you're going to work around the things you talk about? For example, yes, it's going to be hard work getting three out and about. But with a good double stroller and a carrier like a manduca (I still carry my two-year-old in one from time to time, so it works for oldder toddlers), it would still be possible for one person to take them places. Other parents of multiples will have other tips for making this work, I'm sure!

I suppose as one of eight children, it would also be possible to say I've 'missed out' - while I didn't have three the same age to contend with, except for in the very early days my parents' attention was spread over seven other children. I would NEVER change it, it was great... I'm sure your older daughter will say the same thing when she's my age. There are disavantages, but there are advantages too.

With schooling, on the plus side you have time to think your options over. Some private schools have scholarships, which might be worth looking into. And even if you don't go that way due to lack of income, you'll be able to make a plan to ensure that your kids get a great education.

Hi Nick,

I am a mother of 3 month old twins, and also have a 7 year old daughter. I completely understand how you are feeling, and I know that in time your worries will lessen and you will be as excited as your wife.

My partner and I decided to try for a baby at the end of last year, wanting just 1 more child to complete our family. I had always pictured having a 4 person family also - 2 kids would be enough for me and my partner was the same. We then found out we were having twins. We were shocked, scared, and stressed thinking about what we would do financially, how I would handle two newborns at home alone while my partner was at work, and all the rest of the worries you have.

Then we found out we were having twin girls, and I have to say we were a bit dissapointed - already having a daughter we would have loved to at least have one boy, but it wasnt to be. We got over it after a while and got excited about having 3 girls in the house.

After a while all you care about is having healthy children and doing the best you can for them. A private school may be your dream, but if it doesnt happen is it really the end of the world? Children can have a great education at public schools, and in all honesty you just do what you can!

People ask us now "how do you do it?" and the answer is - you just do. Yes it's hard and there are never enough hands but you work out ways of doing things that make it easier, you will get plenty of help from the government with triplets, and there are plenty of women who have triplet pregnancies and births with no complications. Our pregnancy with twins was fine, no problems whatsoever and had a great birth at 37 weeks, babies spent no time in special care and we were home in two days. You cant have ANY expectations with these things - good or bad - because you never know what is going to happen, you just do the best you can and deal with anything that comes up.

Your daughter will love having 3 brothers and/or sisters! How exciting for her to be able to help and play with them all and show them off to her friends. Our daughter is so proud of her twin sisters and loves to help and play with them.

I know triplets are one step up from twins but Im just trying to share from my point of view - someone who has had those worries and has now come out the other side if you know what I mean!

You may have your dreams etc and they may not all be possible now, but that's life, things happen that you have no control over and you cant change so you just get on with it. This has happened and you have to make the best out of what you have. Yes you will miss out on things and it will be hard financially, you may have to sell a vehicle to get a bigger car, but you will have three beautiful babies who share an amazing bond and the love you will have for them will make all of your worries and sacrifices worth it. I think it would really help you to talk to a father who has triplets, if you join the New Zealand Multiple Birth Group you will have access to lots of advice and be able to talk to parents of triplets.

All the best and enjoy your new family!

Id like to say WELL DONE, its takes a lot to reach out and ask for help and I would think more so for a male, not trying to be sexist but men do tend to be staunch about things lol Sounds like you are a wonderful caring husband and father, enjoy the future :)

Hi Nick,

Im not in the same position as you, but I do understand the shock. We are in our 30's and never considered having a big family, maybe just one. At a 6 week scan we found out we are expecting twins.

Im 17 weeks now and I still dont think its really sunk in yet. I worry about additional complications that come with multiples also, and since we also had a miscarriage im constantly paranoid that something is wrong.

I think my husband came around to the idea a lot faster and he is understanding that the terrible morning sickness tends to take the shine of anything which is why im not 'excited'.

Have you been in touch with your local Multiple Birth club? They have reading material, coffee groups to meet others with multiples, ante natal class and you can hire equipment, which can take some of the sting out of the initial costs.

We also want to send out kids to private school.. have you looked into the different savings schemes which you can start right from birth to get a head start? how about grandparents, would they be keen to add a bit of cash to a saving scheme rather than buying toys etc in the first few years? maybe its still possible?

Good luck to you and your family Nick!

Also, here's a link to a website for people with or having multiples.

Multiples NZ

They also have them based on your location.

I'm sure it is a scary time for you. But there is plenty of support for people having multiples. I know Zaylah was able to access it and all the people I know who have had twins or more have also.

Hi. I have twins who are now 2.5 years old. The Twins Triplets or More forum on here is great for support and of course your local multiple birth club. Zaylah has triplets but you would have to send her a personal message which she would get as an email as she hasn't been active on here for a while. She is lovely and would most probably be happy to share her experience.

Congrats! By the way I don't have triplets but I'm pregnant with twins and I'm quite excited about it.