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ginger
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Topic: Something preying on my mind Posted: 02 February 2007 at 8:34am |
I'm not sure how to express these thoughts well, but this is something that has started preying on my mind, and as much as I try to block the thoughts, they are there ...sneaking in late at night and at odd moments during the day.
We've been TTC for 21 months, and we're now classed as an infertile couple. But, we're not *infertile* if you get my meaning - there is hope, and there are avenues we can take, as well as the chance that we may conceive naturally.
I have an A type personality. I'm unforgiving and AR about many things, and I have extremely high expectations. When we started TTC, I planned my life for children entering it. But TTC hasn't worked out as we'd planned and hoped and now, even though we are still TTC and will take extra steps for fertility treatment and to conceive when that becomes necessary, I have the most horrible thoughts.
I wonder sometimes if I now want a child because I haven't been able to have one - you know the old 'it's out of reach so I *really* want it' thing?
I can't actually *see* myself with a child, and I'm terrified that if I do become pregnant, I wont want the baby ...that it will muck up my life as it is now.
Because of the way this is gone, the life I have now is the only one I can see for myself.
Not good.
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Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00
Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41
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my2angels
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Posted: 02 February 2007 at 8:40am |
Obviously I cant speak from the 'cant have one so want one' side of it but i can say no matter how you are feeling now, when you finally hold your baby (an you will one day hold your baby) those thoughts will disappear. Your life will change and within even a couple of weeks you wont remember what it was like before your child was in your life, they become your life to a degree. Think about it, how many normal everyday loving people regret having children. I was never sure i really wanted children, but i hated the thought that i might get to say 40 and really regret having them plus its kind of expected that you have kids isnt it, but anyway my point is that i could not imagine my life without them now and wouldnt change it for anything. Also these thoughts could be a bit of a self defence thing, if your hopes arent up and you think maybe you dont want to change your life then you might not be disappointed if it doesnt happen for a while but when it does happen I reckon you will be sweet.
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Kazzle
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Posted: 02 February 2007 at 8:50am |
I agree with my2angels, and i would like to add that although i have never had to go through what you are...a friend of mine who was told that she couldnt have children has just found out she is pregnant, she had convinced herself and her husband/friends and family that she was okay with not having children as she was tired of trying and every month having af arrive.
Well the day she found out she was pregnant she cried and cried and cried because she was so happy and yes while she fell pregnant naturally, she had been trying for 5 yrs and had done 2 rounds of ivf as well..nothing had worked so had just given up.
I am sure that what you are feeling ginger is prefectly normal and i am so positive that when your baby arrives and is in your arms you will be so overwhelmed with love for him or her.
I am sorry that you are going through this and even though i dont know you my heart aches for you every month that your af shows....and i just know that one day soon you are going to give us the good news and everyone here will be so happy for you.
Sending you lots of hugs and happy vibes
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 02 February 2007 at 9:04am |
everything i was going to say has already been covered and i totally agree with robyn and kaz. once you hold your baby, you won't remember ever having these thoughts.
there will be big parties all over nz when you announce your bfp! we are all hear for you ginger and can't wait for that day
sending big hugs and baby vibes to you and dp
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Bizzy
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Posted: 02 February 2007 at 10:02am |
thats just one of those things that happen when you have been TTC for so long. the dark thoughts will go and then come back and even when you do have kids you have days where you wish it hadnt been but they go again too. sometimes i think that we have these thoughts as a way of protecting ourselves. i remember writing similar things in my diary before we had gabriel and when i read it back later i cant believe the things i said or felt. writing down these things helps cause you can see how your feelings change...so maybe keeping a diary will help.
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Lulu
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Posted: 02 February 2007 at 10:16am |
I think the mind is a complicated and wonderful thing, and many thoughts are there to protect us in a strange way. When we were TTC there were times when I was absolutely convinced that I had gone off the idea of having children and I would speak about this thought to close friends and my DH. However in hindsight, it was never true, I think it was just a protective thing to stop me from going insane. It's also completely natural to freak out even once you are pregnant. Even though I am so so happy about finally being pregnant, I still have days when I ask myself 'what have I done?!?'. Of course even when the baby is born there will be days like that! It's natural to feel this way sometimes. But you'd never give them back! I don't believe that you want a baby just because you haven't been able to have one yet. That's just your mind playing tricks on you. Ginger the long road that you have travelled while TTC has allowed you alot of time to analyse your every thought, and to try and make sense of those thoughts. But try not to over analyse. You have had a hard time of it, this is not easy, but it's still something that you want so much. I am absolutely positive you will get there, and then like me, you will thank God (or whoever!) every day. Hang in there Girl.
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Lou
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ginger
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Posted: 02 February 2007 at 11:10am |
Thanks everyone ...I'm glad I voiced my thoughts now - I felt like the worst person even thinking these things! And you're right too ...it *is* probably just my mind wrapping itself up in cotton wool
Now I can go back to worrying about my bikini wax tomorrow ...
Why on *earth* did I book a repeat appointment?
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Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00
Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41
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Posted: 02 February 2007 at 8:28pm |
Honey even tho i wasnt TTC as long as you i still had those thoughts i totally understand and i even had them when i was pregnant but i put that down to hormones and lack of sleep haha but when they are here its truely the most amazing thing ever and your heart just opens up more to make room for the love you create instinctly for them!!
You are going to make a WONDERFUL mother so please please please DO NOT give up hope!!!!
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Phat_Cat
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Posted: 23 February 2007 at 9:33pm |
I understand where you are coming from. I have had similar thoughts & to be honest so far through the pregnancy I have had a few meltdowns along the lines of *** have we done the right thing? are we really ready for this? i felt real bad after the first episode like this as i felt i was seemingly ungrateful for what i had been blessed with but its all normal & at the end of the day im going to have a baby boy - too late now besides LOL. What the girls said previously is true (well it better be otherwise there will be a few who will owe me babysitting favours LOL) and i so cant wait to share in the joy with you when you do get your BFP!!!
*HUGS*
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Leish
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Posted: 24 February 2007 at 2:25am |
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