SMBC - Single Mother By Choice

Hi Ladies

My situation is abit different from most so just putting it out there to see if there are any other mums on Oh Baby who are in the same space as me.

Essentially I got to that age where I was at the point where if i didn't try to have a child on my own then I would be too old when Mr Right came along. So here I am 19 weeks pregnant at 41 years old.

Basically I am pregnant without the normal male input, ie using donor sperm rather than thru relationship or even sex. As I like to tease my catholic sis-in-law it was an immaculate conception (thanks to the fertility clinic).

I know it's not a decision that everyone would choose to make, and it's not a decision that some people are comfortable with however it was the right decision for me.

SMBC's like me seem to be a hidden element in society, there are no support groups, little information available (and certainly none in NZ), and yet there are dozens of single women having fertility treatment each year in Auckland alone. It just doesn't seem to be something that's talked about.

Don't get me wrong I have lots of family/friend support, just curious if there are any here, and if they want to get in touch to share experiences.



Janine

Hah, this might turn out to be very long and a bit confusing BUT:

When i met my babys dad i was researching buying sperm or using a sperm donar. I thought i was in the right space for a baby and had no interest in a relationship. I had planned to start the process in 6 months time to time with the quiet season of work and i was all planned out! My ex suggested that rather then go to the trouble and expense of a sperm donar and fertility clinic we could father my child with no strings attatched. We'd been friends for years at this point.

So i agreed! Brilliant, i thought, firstly its free, secondly there was no medical process and thirdly he would be around (though not as traditional father).

Soon after which i got exceedingly drunk and we had sex and despite my depo shot only having expired a few days previously i was up the spout!

This is where all this i will donate the sperm we won't have a relationship crap really came unravelled - he was stoked to be fathering a child and i became all emotional and decided we should get together and raise baby as a couple. After all we'd been friends for so long and why not? Of course within the first trimester it all went to crap (obviously it was going to happen, we were a jeremy kyle case) and most of my pregnancy was spent me screeching "you're just a sperm donor you have no rights" and him saying "thats not what i'd agreed THAT time we had sex!".

In the end we worked things out, he's a genuinely nice guy and cares for me and loves his son. He doesnt want me in a relationship i don't want and he loves his son enough that he agrees he stays with me because thats whats best for him. He sees him occasionally and we have visited him a few times and he will always be 'dad' and in his life but the day to day parenting is all mine.

So long story condensed - i fully intended to be a single mom by choice but accidentally got knocked up by my inteded sperm donor before it could happen officially!

Good luck with your pregnancy and your new baby - though its a hard slog being a single mom has its benefits, all the smiles and cuddles are all yours!

HuntersMama wrote: Good on you! I am not a SMBC but I can fully understand why people would make that choice. Being a mum (single or not) is the best

good that some people can... i think it is a bit selfish myself. I dont know if there are any others on here though so good luck in finding a SMBC community.

Bizzy wrote: HuntersMama wrote: Good on you! I am not a SMBC but I can fully understand why people would make that choice. Being a mum (single or not) is the best good that some people can... i think it is a bit selfish myself. I dont know if there are any others on here though so good luck in finding a SMBC community.

That's a bit harsh!

Why is it selfish?

Every person who decides to have a child whether single or as a couple is making a selfish choice.THEY are choosing to create a life for themselves not for the child.

Choco, its awesome to see you are pg!!!! (I may have the wrong person) I am pretty sure I remember you from the charting thread so great to see you found a donor and had a successful implant!!!!!!

I am not a SMBC but I am a mum by choice so if you ever want to catch up for a coffee just send me a pm

Thanks for all the lovely support ladies

Don't be too hard on Bizzy, she's entitled to a decision just like we all are.

And yes having a child is a selfish choice, it's one every mother chooses whether the pregnancy is planned or not.

I knew when I posted that not everyone would agree with my choice, however I know from conversations with the staff at the fertility clinic that there are alot of women out there making the same choice. Was just hoping that by putting my hand up that they would realise that they are not alone.

I am very fortunate in that my family and friends are incredibly supportive of me and my baby. As my mother said to me when I told her what I was intending to do .. There is no such thing as a single parent, every parent has someone to lean on and support them whether they realise it or not.

Guess it's the old it takes a village to raise a child.

eta: just wanted to say was really open with my due date group from the beginning and they were all so lovely and welcoming (it was a real relief!)

Edited by choco69

I'm not a SMBC but I definitely have thought about the possibility pre-child. I always thought if I was still single at a certain age I would consider the possibility of going ahead and having one before it was too late. I admire your courage in putting your hand up for having made the decision. Being a single mum isn't easy but its worth it. I love my daughter with all my heart and I don't regret the hard yards at all.

And yes - it does take a village to raise a child. I couldn't be a single parent without the support of my family

i think what your doing is fantatsic , good on you . you obviously really want a child and why shouldnt you have one ? i dont see a reason why you have to be married or in a relationship to have a baby and why YOU should miss out on the joys of a child just because you arent in a relationship , i dont see it as being selfish at all . If you can support a child emotionally , physically and financially on your own and your at a stage in your life where time may be an issue in finding the perfect man to settle down with than why not go for it ? whats seflish about bringing a new life into this world and loving it and caring for it ?

my daughter isnt bought up by her biological father at all and she is no worse for it , she is happy and healthy and i give her plenty of attention and love  

I think because there seemed to be no real point in you needing to say it? Janine didn't start the thread to get peoples opinions on what she is doing she is looking for other people in her same situation to talk to?

You know what Choco69? the world is a messed up,cruel,unfair place.
One of the biggest injustices is that people who would be fantastic parents,can not be...and people who get given the gift of a child to love,treat it little better than a worm.
By the sounds of it,this is something you have longed for for ages,you sound over the moon about this baby... but also realistic,nervous just like any new mum whether single or parenting with a partner,and it sounds to me like your baby is going to be very well loved.
Being a single parent is hard,yes...but its not impossible.
I think its great news for you,and I wish you all the best in the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations!


Edited by TheKelly