Single Parents UNITE!

Well I'm really glad we have this section here. I think it would be a really great idea to get a sort of support group going (like the due threads) for those of us that are single parents or single parents to be! I'll start by introducing myself and letting you know how I got into this position.

My name is Rachael and I'm 22. I live at home with my mum and little sister who is 17. I work full time in mental health and love animals - I'm a trained vet nurse but ended up just using that qualification to look after my 5 cats better!

This baby is the result of a one night's stand and the father is less than impressed. He spent nearly a month trying to force me to terminate (I had a termination at 15 and spent 6 years in therapy dealing with the most severe guilt and depression I've ever experienced so knew that was never going to happen). When I told him I was keeping it, he told me he hated me and that I had ruined his life. Meanwhile, I'm thinking 'mate...this baby isn't growing in you, you can bugger off if you want to - I'm stuck with this now' - and bugger off is exactly what he did.

Last I heard he was moving to Europe to get out of child support. So now the decision needs to be made whether to bother chasing him to get him to sign the birth certificate, or just leave it as 'unknown'.

I feel nervous about being a first time solo mum but I've since found a DP who doesn't seem to mind that I'm pregnant...is kinda excited about the new arrival (which I was slightly ambivalent about at first because I found it a bit weird) and I have my family for support. Also since finding the OB forums I have learned so much and found a really tight support network who I've come to heavily rely on!

Tell me your stories

Thanks so much for sharing your story julz.

I know the father's name, but since I found out I was pregnant he's changed his email address and phone number. I am hoping against hope that the fact that I have no contact details for him means that I won't have issues with baby's birth certificate. What do you think? I would have thought chasing him to sign the birth certificate would have been the harder option not the other way around!

I'm over being mad at him, now I just feel sorry for him. He's missing out on the most amazing thing he will ever experience - and I did everything to help him to realise the mistake he's made, but to no avail. I would have no sleepless nights at this stage not having him on the BC because he's given me nothing but grief since this all started - the thought of sharing my son with him in anyway makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Then again if he decided he really wanted access in the future I might have to put my big girl hat on and allow it (unlikely if he's serious about moving to Europe though)

Wow yay a new forum! I mainly lurk on here but do not have many single parent friends so yay I'm glad this has been started!

I'm Rachael as well I have two children, Jack who is 4 and Caprece who is 3. I got prgnant with Jack after two weeks of seeing his Dad. We decided to give our relationship a go and ended up together for 4 years. Their Dad sees them once a week and is a good Dad to them. I don't really want to bad mouth him too much on here considering anyone can read it but he has got a lot better since we broke up in terms of parenting.

I'm 24 and just over half way through a midwifery degree. It's awesome and I love it but it's so full on. I live with my parents but am hoping to move out soon I just find it so difficult to organise everything on top of my already busy life. My parents are great and they help me out so much but they also drive me crazy I have a boyfriend atm who is the best with my kids and treats me so well so I'm pretty lucky there.

Anyway I've been a single Mum for about 15 months, we broke up as he did not like me studying and refused to work or look after the kids full time.

Anyway I don't have much experience with Dads on the birth certificate but far out I am over dealing with WINZ I cannot understanding how they can justify treating people the way they do!

Im not a single parent, anymore , but I was for most of my daughter's life, so i'll share my story too

I got pregnant to C's dad when I was 19, he was a rebound relationship and I told him I was UTD the day he broke up with me at 7 weeks , he wanted me to get an abortion at first, but he came round and decided he wanted to be involved .
We've had our glitches but for the most part we get along fine , he and his wife have C once a month (they have 3 kids as well now , so it can get a bit full on any more than that )

When C was 4 I met my DH , and they slowly formed a friendship and after a year she started calling him daddy , of her own accord, she still calls her bio dad Daddy as well , but the only time it gets confusing is if both dads are there lol
My DH is her dad in every sense of the word and they adore each other

And now im happily married , with 2 beautiful kids and one on the way , back when I was single and struggling to make ends meet , I never thought I would have a happy ending like this

ok long storey short i worked in abar james dad was a regula at this bar he asked me out for a year i keep saying no till one day i thought i will give him a chace we got together slept together once broke up about 2 weeks after frist gettin together i found out i was preggy about 6 weeks later i didnt get a chace to tell him someelse did he eith denys he is the father or tells people i wont let him see him i have given him my phone number to ring me 3 times no phone call he has seen me many times but still its me i was going to let his mother have time with james but he told his mum james isnt his so she would even come to see him 5 years later i am still agnry that he can walk with his head up but at the same time i know he is just not worth my or james time when james grows and asked were his dad i will tell him the turth and be there for him no matter what

Hi Rachaels and everyone else. Nice reading all your stories.

Here's my story. I was 24 when I had Sophie. I was with Sophie's dad for about 10 months. We had broken up a couple of times in those 10 months, but I always went back. Anyway, he was a bit of a prick. It was his first relationship ever, not that, that is any excuse, though he'd use that as his excuse for any inappropriate behaviour. He would flirt very obviously with females at parties, while I was there, often in the same room and not care that I was falling apart and bawling my eyes out. He even flirted with my little sister    He did lash out on a few occasions and was actually rather proud he'd hit me in a certain way that left no bruises. He used to write stuff that he'd expect me to find, as he knew I snopped(trust issues obviously) and the stuff he would write would be specifically aimed at screwing with my head. Thing is, the first time he hit me, I really should've left, but like so many others, I believed he was sorry and stayed. Anyway, at a time when our relationship was good, we thought it a good idea to try make a baby and then later decided it wasn't such a good idea. So anyway, things turned to crap again and I was just so over his crap and him screwing with my head and feeling anxious, fearful and on edge, so I left for good. I figured, if I did in fact have a baby on the way, that our relationship was no environment to bring a baby into. I found out I was pregnant a week after I left. When I told him, all he said is "it makes me feel all buzzy down there"(his male parts) and I was like, um ok. He too is a father with mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, social phobia, schizophrenia. He did attempt to be around for her birth, but was being his usual self and got in trouble for staying at a place and not paying rent and did the bolt elsewhere a few weeks before she was due. The first time he saw her was when she was 5 months old. He didn't want me to tell his parents I was pregnant, but I did, as it is their right to know. We have tried again about 2-3 times to have a relationship since she was born. But each time, he just goes back to his usual behaviour. While I was pregnant I had many mixed feelings. I used to cry when I drove past liquor stores(used to be a binge drinker), as I was used to use alcohol to cope when things turned to crap. I used to struggle with feeling like I wanted to MC or that I might have a son and he'd look just like his dad and I'd end up despising him. Lucky I had a daughter and I don't despise her. Other times I couldn't believe I'd think like that. So many mixed feelings and emotions and such a confusing time. I also used to worry I'd never find anyone who would want me and my child. Sophie's dad doesn't see a lot of her, though he is welcome to and he knows that. If his dad goes up to Waiheke at Xmas he will take Sophie and her dad and they get to spend time together then, which is good. But he never turns up to her birthdays and doesn't put in any effort to trying to see her. He pays minimal child support, as in the least that can be paid. She loves him to bits, despite him being very non-existent in her life a lot of the time. I think she probably sees him about every 3-6 months.

I met my current DP nearly 3 yrs ago and we've just had our first child together, she is 5 1/2 months old. I must say, I did find things easier with just Sophie, before I had a partner, as she got all my love and attention and life was easier to manage. I have found, relationships take a lot more work when you have a child and even more work when you have another child. But I am happy with my DP. I just see the difference in having a relationship to manage and 2 kids. I have found Sophie's behaviour is getting pretty bad since late last year. It is a big shift for her, this whole change in family dynamic's, with having a baby sister after years of being an only child and yeah....I kind of spoilt her a lot of those years. Plus I have found DP has changed towards her and is often Mr grumpy-bum at her. I feel like he at times treats her like an inconvenience and I definitely notice a huge difference in the way he treats her. This is really hard for me to see and it really upsets me. I don't think these facts and Sophie's bad behaviour helps my PND. In fact I think all this makes it much worse. Having a new baby has put more stress on our relationship. I so often seem to be in a bad mood and I feel like I'm not much fun to be with. I hope all this doesn't sound too discouraging. I'm just being honest. I do think a new DP when you only have 1 child, is possibly easier to manage, relationship wise and it probably helps with the bonding with new DP and baby/child if you've gotten together during your pregnancy, or early in babies life. But it could be different for each person, this is just my thinking, with regards to myself. I am sad DP now treats Sophie differently. I treats our daughter so different. It is pretty unfair.

Edited by escadachic

Oh yes I have told him how I feel. He seems to hear me, but whether he is listening and taking it in...I do wonder...

He used to treat the same as I did. But it seems with her change in behaviour, his behaviour towards her has changed. Maybe it is him trying to work out how best to deal with her naughtiness. I know it's new to me how she's behaving these days. I'm so used to a very well-behaved little girl. But these days, she's not so well-behaved. She is having difficulties at school, which is likely not helping.

im sorry you are going through such a rough time codysmum , Its just not fair how the man can walk out with little or no responsibility . It certinly sounds like you were not in a very loving, equal relationship and it certinly sounds like you deserve much better . when it comes to winz , you will probabyly need to take in your childs birth certificate, along with bank acc details ( they ussualy want a statement to see where your money is coming from and how much you have ) , also your own ID and if Codys in preschool you will be able to apply for subsidys for that so make sure you take in details of how much you pay per hour/session etc . also possibly a note from Midwife saying you are pregnant .

Escadachick- Your story is ringing very true to me , Your ex sounds exactly like Amelias dad , he use to play mind games just like that with me , constantly flirting with other girls , full of broken promises and he had Depression , Bipolar , he even tried to attempt suiside in front of me but i look back and see this as a cry for a attention , i doubt he would have actually done it , think he just wanted to scare me .  as for your DP not treating Sophie fairly , that must be very hard . Im very lucky that my DP treats Amelia like his own and he actually sees Amelia more than he sees his own daughter ( we have Amelia 100% of the time and we have his daughter 5 nights a fortnight ) , hes been in Amelias life tho since she was 4months so i guess its a bit different ,i however find it really hard at times to bond with his daughter and i find myself treating her differently to amelia which i always feel bad about and i am trying to make a real effort to treat them the same , i just find it hard because shes 5 1/2 and we dont have her all the time and shes also going through a bit of a "naughty" faze.

I wrote another post yesterday but it doesn't seem to have posted .

Thanks for that info on what to take to WINZ Julz. Cody isn't in childcare or anything anymore though that may change if I end up getting a job, though I don't know if anyway would hire a pregnant woman. Though I will never know if I don't try.

Paige - i know exactly what your going through altho i can imagine its even tougher at 18-19 , im just about 25 and still find it very hard .  hang in there chick , Life will get easier and one day im sure youl find someone that treats you how you deserve , you ex sounds alot like the other "babys daddys" on this particular forrum. I know the guilts you feel about your child father , i feel exactly the same , then i have to think that my daughters actually lucky that she doesnt have her father in her life as hes just not worth it and would be a crap dad .