WWYD - Dinner time

Arr I can picture that well as its happened to us many a time, and I have no idea why!?!

What I do (and by no way am I saying this is the 'right' thing to do) is explain to him that its dinner time and that mum & dad are going to eat their dinner. He can either join us or if he's not hungry he can go and play. If he carries on performing I ignore his behaviour and carry on eating dinner.

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread for ideas from other mums.

It's a real pain. She has been SO strong willed and so persistent since she was a tiny baby. She is not one to settle quickly so if she gets upset it really does often take hours to get her settled again (unless you do what she wants of course and then she settles quickly but throws these wobblies over everything). She started really asserting herself this way at about 11 months. If she wants / doesn't want something she is very loud and persistent about it. We've been pretty consistent in how we deal with it so I'm amazed we haven't had more success. Ah well, looks like we may have to have hours of tears and time spent in the room over the next few weeks while I try being even tougher.

If I just ignore her, she will absolutely scream right through our entire meal and pull and tug at us. So should I put her in her room?

Benjy has only done a full blown tanty at dinnertime a handful of times but, like Elle, when he does it he is inconsolable.
The only thing that worked was putting him into his cot for 5-10 minutes time out and shutting the door. Then I go up and ask if he is ready to sit and eat with us and we try again.
If he didn't eat then I'd put him back for another timeout and if he still wouldn't eat it would be bedtime.
I've stolen Nikki's children/food mantra. 'Its our job to provide the food and their job to eat it'
It has taken so much of the stress out of mealtimes for me!

Thanks Mel. That is what we are doing at present and I know it is the right thing but it can be hard (mainly because she's always been miserable so we have that little niggle in our minds that there could be something wrong / sore which complicates thing)s. Maybe i'll try to banish those thoughts and deal with it as though it is 100% behavioural. At the moment, her constant cying is really putting a dampner on our home. Everything is dictated or tainted by it and I don't think it should be that way.

I guess I never expected to have such a strong willed child, considering DH and my personalities and temperaments. It's hard having a kid that is pre-disposed to misery even when you are a good parent as you start to doubt yourself e.g. have I created this behaviour. I ask myself that question all the time! The truth is that some kids are just like this for a period, despite having capably and consistent parents. I guess they'll be the movers and shakers of the world one day!

Yeah, in some ways I agree and as Elle won't even TRY ANY dinner dishes (other than omlets) we don't do it often but as we've been sick, tired etc, we've been eating when she is up rather than waiting until she is in bed. This is just an example to. These events happen all day long.

As I said, we do NOTexpect her to sit and eat (probably only try once a week) but very occassionally I need to eat or do something similar around the house and dont' like doing it with her screaming and pulling at my legs. My exmaple was just one to illustrate the behaviour we have all day long everytime I try to do something other than play with her. DH and I were exhasted and starving and had DH's parents over and they had bought dinner so we wanted to eat it then and there and she just screamed and performed. We usually wait until she is bed.   Generally she eats on her own at her small table (with me sitting with her).

Edited by FionaS

Isla is like this most of the day too. I have recently been able to finally put a load of washing on or do the dishes,..and actually finish the task, with less and less grizzling/hanging of my legs/ crying etc etc.

I asked daycare for ideas on how to help her behaviour, and I have become much stricter, and its really working. I include her as much as I can in the jobs Im doing, which often means it takes a lot longer, or I have extra clearing up to do afterwards, but its worth it. I was saying "mummy just needs to do x Isla, then I will come and play',..but then after the crying continued I would give in before I was finished,...now Im much firmer. If we are out at the supermarket or music or anything, all it needs now is for me to say "be a good girl Isla or we will go home' in a deep serious tonne, at her level with her looking at me, and she behaves',..this is like a miracle. She now knows its my way only..where before she would keep crying and I would give in,..by lifting her out of the trolley, giveing her what she wanted, stopping wat I was ding etc,...so all she learnt was that if I cry longer soon I will get what I want.

Fiona, Michaela used to perform like an idiot when other people came to dinner.  She hated having guests there, even if the guest was her nana.  Now that her nana comes over for dinner every weekend she's got used to it, and she's actually a lot better since I stopped putting her in her high chair.

 

I find with my strong willed child that consistency is the key.  I can't change her routine or the way I deal with things simply because it's easier at that given moment.  Maybe the key for Elle is that the routine is different due to different people being there and you've said that you only expect her to sit down and eat about once per week.  With strong willed children it's all or nothing.  I think to combat the example you gave us you either need to get her sitting at the big table every meal time, no exceptions, or you sit with her at the little table (or whatever it is she normally does at mealtimes) even when you have guests over.

 

Elle is still at the testing the boundaries age to see how far she can push you (I know that sounds mean but it's the truth) I am 99.9% positive that the issues are behavioural and it's simply a phase which shows she's progressing normally, not a reflection on your parenting.  The important thing is that you and DH work out your expectations, when you have a calm moment (without Elle around to wreck havoc), discuss scenarios and agree with DH how you will handle situations and then stick to the plan.  The problem with toddlers is that if you give them an inch they'll take a mile.  She'll continue to test boundaries forever, and that's a good thing you don't want to raise a sheep, but by communicating to her what's ok and what's not now she'll file the information away and quickly learn it's not worth trying to push your buttons as it won't work.  I agree with Kellz, you have to be strict but decide when to be strict and when to include her and decide in advance so that there is consistency.

 

My mum said about me as a baby/toddler that they quickly learnt they'd never met anyone more stubborn and so they had to be smarter.

 

I'm sorry if this post has come across as a bit harsh I've just lost my eloquence recently.

 

Kelpa, we have the TV on during dinnertime too.  On weeknights it's just Michaela and I and we sit side by side at the big table facing the TV across the room.  Michaela doesn't talk much so I don't expect conversation from her and this way she's happy to sit in one place for awhile.  Every now and then she leans over and whispers some baby talk into my ear - it's very sweet.

 

eta: sorry for the novel

Edited by MrsMojo