PND

OK heres a little about what I went through.

After I had Andrew's I struggled with BF. I had a low supply and a very hungry baby. After 3 weeks of struggling my MW advised me to top him up with formula. She came around with some formula and showed me how to mix it up (which was really helpful) and how warm it should be. I feed Andrew both sides and he still wanted more so I gave him the bottle (about 110 mls it was) and he drunk the whole lot. My MW was shocked that he did it and worked out the low supply. I felt so bad that I couldn't "just" feed my baby as I was told supply and demand a baby drinks what it needs and your breasts makes enough for the baby. Not so for me. My MW was really suportive and was I was said when we had to part company and move onto Plunket. I was told that my plunket nurse was great so was looking forward to meeting her. She came around just after Andrew had been feed and saw the bottle. And one of the first things out of her mouth "why are you bottle feeding" did she not read the notes. The first time someone had made me feel bad about having to give my baby formula. So from there we did not have a good relationship and it made it hard to get help from the start. When Andrew turned 3 months old I went back to work (casual doing 20 hours a week at night) and my first break I went down to the smoking shed and had a smoke I felt so bad. Work was making me upset and my way of dealing with it was have a smoke (I stopped the day I found out I was pregnant and my first smoke was the day I stopped BF) so I did and the chain effect kicked in and I started smoking again.

I knew I had to get out of that job if I was to be happy with myself. I got a new job (a fulltime during the day one) and needed to put Andrwe into care. I was fine about putting him into care in theory but in my head I didn't want to. After 6 weeks working I lost the plot at home, I would pick Andrew up from daycare and sit with him and cry. DH didn't know what was happening and witht he fact we had no surport from plunket didn't know who to talk to about what was going on with me. He ended up taking me to the Dr who said PND. I went into work the next day and for some reason just couldn't do anything. My team leader spoke to me and I had to tell her what was happening. She arranged for me to have a break, I had been in the job 7 weeks and I needed a break - just what I wanted to hear. I told her I couldn't afford to take one and then I was told it was paid (I felt a whole lot better), so I took the rest of the week (2 days) off. I went back to my dr who told me I was probably strong enough to go with out meds (something I was happy about). I was then fine for the next few months.

Andrew was 9 months and I started to get horrible AF pains and I knew my Endo was coming back. I went straight to the dr and he got me to have a scan and then we would talk surgery. I had the scan and I could see the endo and I knew I needed an op. I went private (thank god for insurance) and got the op done 3 weeks after seeing my dr. I got an infection in one of the wounds and in general was just so upset with everything that I knew PND had set in again. My dr gave me the name (I can't remember what it was) of some natural stuff to take and I felt much better after I started taking them. My work was so good with everything, all the time off I had was paid and they gave me use of the counciller that fixed term employees usually don't get. I was able to sort things out.

Then I found out I was pregnant again. I was so angry we had BD one time without protection at what I thought was a safe time of the month. This time DH saw the signs and got me to take a break.

I know I managed to come out the other end without having to use meds, but I don't know that next time I will be able to.