Whos got PND or PTSD?

just wanted to say - even tho i dont have PND - you wont be nigel no mates...you'll find a few ladies on here who have either been thru or are going thru it.

So Im Amelia and I had my baby Charli-Rose on 25th September.

I had a wonderful pregnancy and loved every mintue of it. I was really looking forward to giving birth and the only thing I was worried about was post-partum hemorrhage (PPH) as my mum had it with all her births. I had a strong believe in the ability of my own body and was hoping for a home birth or out at a lil country maternity hospital (Lincoln). However things didn't quite go to plan. My baby and I were so very happy with the arragngement that she didn;t want to come out! At 11 days over I started developing pre-celampsia toxaemia (PET) so I was booked in for an induction the next day. Things went bad pretty much from the start. I had trouble with the internals (TMI: turns out I was a lil...ah...tighter than norm) so even with sucking on the gas they were excruciating. I kept crying "I wanna go home" but they wouldnt let me! So I hd some sedation stuff and the first lot of prosteglandin gel put in. It didnt do much except for a show and a lot of teeny contractions which meant I couldn't have more gel, so I was in for the night. About midnight I started getting contractions- so exciting!!! They hurt like hell but I was happy things were finally happening. They stopped at 5.30am though but hey at least I got two hours sleep after that.

The next morning I had more gel put in and the internal hurt just as much. This time I just had the gas and for some reason it didn't work so I yelled and screamed through the whole thing (my poor MW lol!) I kept having sore contractions but they were only a reaction to the gel- they weren't actually doing anything. So again, another 6 hour wait then another internal. My test results came back my PET was developing alarmingly quickly so MW said I had to have an epidural and get started with the drip. The epidural (which I was really scared of) was to lowe my BP and (which I found out later) because my MW was pretty sure Id be heading to a caesar.

So in the epi went and the waters were popped. There was old mecconium in them so my MW explained that there would be a pediatrician at the birth and they would take the baby away straight away to check if she had any in her mouth and airways. The anaethetist came to check my epi and was very surprised when I yelled "hey!" when he pinched my thigh. It only worked on one side of my body and they wanted to take it out but I was like "nah itll be fine, Im fine..." At 9pm the Syntocin drip was set up and I settled in to labour quietly til the morning.

I only felt half the contractions which I must admit was great. After an hour I started getting hotter and hotter and shaking. The MW also noticed baby's heart rate dipping. At this stage I was thinking oh sh*t I really should have had that epidural fixed! as I knew featal distress might mean a caesar. We were both pleasantly surprised to find that the reason the heart rate was dropping was because I was fully dilated! MW said shed give things an hour and then I should start pushing. I said "hell no its only 11pm you said I wouldn't have to push til morning!!!" And then spent the next hour going "I'm not gonna push...its way too soon!" Needless to say when the time came I was rather excited so did try to push. But I couldn't feel anything due to the epidural so sat there coughing as apparently it worked better when I coughed or laughed! I was developing an infection though so I had an IV line put in with antibiotocs.

After 90mins MW noticed how hot I was (and getting a bit delirious) and realised that the IV line hadn't been working (it had tissued whatever that means). It would take another two hours for the next lo to work and we didn't have that. It was time to get baby out. MW called for a doc to come do a ventouse delivery.

Around here I really started to loose it. I couldn't talk or focus on things. The doc decided high forceps would be better. I remember lifting my head up at one stage and seeing the doc pick up some scissors and move them towards me...and then heard an awful *snip*...and then he put them down. I kept asking DH "why did he have scissors? seriously I saw him with scissors!" (they did an episiotomy to put the forceps in). Once they had the forceps set up we got the head out. Then, with another push, I felt a really funny "flop" type feeling as my babys body slithered out. I was feeling really overwhelmed for some reason and didnt look straight away...I closed my eyes for one second...and when I looked back she had gone and I blacked out.

Turn out that that last push I acutally did a good one and teh doc pulled a bit fast. Plus, as I was a bit...smaller than normal as I said earlier, and baby had a 36cm head, I tore, Bad luck, it went through two blood vessels. DH turned aroudna t this point and said it aws like something out of a SAW movie. I was lying on the bed with my legs up, squirting blood that was quickly filling a bucket underneath me and covering the floor and the staff, staff who were running around and screaming at each other. No-one even stopped to tell DH or me that we had a beautiful healthy girl.

After an hour and a bit of stitching me up the "terrible terrible tear" as the doc called it was fixed as best they could. (for the record- a I really didn't need to be told that a doctor who sees tears every day as his job thinks mine is that terrible!!!) Later a nurse told me that they did a good job and things were almost symmetrical (almost???!!! oh dear )

I lost over 2L of blood, which is a hell of a lot (most people have 5-6 in their whole body!) I was very weak and had machines hooked up to both arms so couldn't hold my baby. All I could do was stroke her hair with my skin when someone thought to plonk her on me hours after she was born. Not exactly the best start.

I stayed at CHCH womens for the next week having a very tought time. I had a blood transfusion which took 14 hours. I had machines and things hooked up to my arms and wasn't allowed out of bed for days. I couldn't even pick up my baby til she was 4 days old and I missed her first bath, first nappies, dressing her the first time, her first cuddles with all my family...it was awful. Also, as a result of the transfusion I had major swelling everywhere including the breasts and nipples so it was too painful for me to put Charli-Rose on the breast. I really really wanted to breast feed though so kept stimulating them to keep up my supply. After 7 nights in hospital I had had enough and after consulting my own MW, discharged myself home. I was still very sick and weak and couldn't stand up for more than a few minutes at a time.

It felt like everything that could go wrong had gone wrong. I was a useless mother who couldn't even change her won babies nappy. To make it worse I never even got a cuddle as every time she woke up to feed my well meaning (and much appreciated) DH and mum would take her and feed her while I hopped on the breast pump for an hour. By the time I was done she was all tucked up in bed again! I was suffering from severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and couldn't sleep or relax. I went to the GP and got anti depressants, just to see if it would help and to prevent any PND from happening (as I had a history of depression).

6 weeks on things are better a bit. Talking about the birth and going over it time and time again has really helped with the PTSD although I still get freaked out at nights and think I'm back at the hospital. I did develop PND however and am having a tough time with it especially since DH has gone back to work. I am proud of myself however for not giving up BFing. Due to the really crappy start my supply is a bit funky and Charli-Rose wasn't doing well being fully BFed as I probably won't even have enough milk, so Im partially BFing and taking each feed at a time. BFing was/is really important to me as sometimes I feel like I should ahve never had a baby and being able to BFeed makes me feel like at lest something has gone right and I'm capable of something natural. I don't feel guilty about giving her bottles as well though.

I have found the net amazing for finding people to talk too and loved it when I was pregnant. Its always been a bit hard though, as I feel everyone else is doing so much better than me, like everyone else dotes on their babies all the time and Im the only one who sometimes wishes she would go away. I feel like I cant say that as they would think Im a horrible mum, which is quite possibly true.

So I'm hoping there's some other people out there who are having a tough time and willing to talk about it. I think it really helps to talk and realise that you're not alone.

So yea that's me, sorry it was a really long post but hey there's my story, would love to hear yours

Amelia . I have beeen through it twice. First time I was silly and tried to battle on and got worse. I did fully recover and went on fine. Did get a bit of pre natal depression when pregnant with Josh. Things went belly up with Josh when my DH was diagnosed with PND when Josh was about 4 months old. I was meant to be the strong rock and I just couldn't do it. It took me a good 14 months to recover this time and this time I went to my dr.

I'm sorry I didn't read your post fully - I will once I have a screaming child in bed.

But you are not alone there are a few of us here that have been through it or still battling it.

Maya thanks for sharing your story. It must have been so hard feeling that way. You must have been soooo busy too, with 3 under 4! Mind you I bet youre extra busy now lol. Thats interesting that you bonded alright with Maya and Chiara aye...keeps me holding out hope that it won't necessarily happen 'next time'. So have you found the psychologist at MMH helpful? Do you chat about how youre feeling and stuff? The play sessions are a good idea too, I hope they're helping.

Thanks to you other ladies too for sharing your stories! Its good to know Im not the only one. It certainly feels like it a lot of the time though! I know Im so dam lucky to have such a healthy baby. Ive never been worried about her health or needed to take her temp or anything! I feel guilty when I hear about other mums and the probs their babies are having...cuz to be honest Id quite gladly swap to be able to feel ok and love my baby fully.

So it seems that PND is likely to come back after each pregnancy...do you think it did/would effect your decision about another child? DH and I have been talking about whether we'd do it again (the whole almost dying thing is rather off putting!). If it was like this again I can honestly say I would not risk having another child...but MW assures me that the likelihood of it happening is small (after all, no one expected me to start bleeding out even that time! It was just bad luck from a combination of things). I think poor DH was a bit traumatised too...after all he SAW everything...saw me bleeding out and the doctors panicking and just handed the baby and shoved to the side.

Well we had a good and bad day today. Good in that we actually got out of the house!!! And I felt ok about being alone with her. I was also surprisingly on top of things; had the washing done, bottles sterilized etc. And Charli didn't have any breakdowns (or me for that matter!). Its been a bad day for feeding though. Shes in a "I just want it in a bottle!!! mood. its a very hard cycle to break! am hoping tonight she'll be too sleepy to care and will just have ther breast and remember that actually its rather nice

Well done on the good day! I still get anxious about being alone with the gremlins, mainly coz they are so chaotic now and into everything that I feel like I can't keep up!

I do find the therapy helpful, we're doing a bit of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as I also suffer from OCD but a lot of the time we just talk about stuff that is happening and my responses to it and how I can change my thought processes to respond in a more positive way.

The other thing I've found helpful with MMH is that their Mothercraft nurse comes out every couple of weeks to see us, strictly speaking her job is to give me advice, support and ideas on parenting, breastfeeding etc. But being baby #4 I pretty much know all that stuff already so we just talk about how things are going which I find really helpful. She also just did a referral for me to Family Centre as I'm still having a few feeding issues.

I'm not sure about PND in subsequent pregnancies, I hadn't really resolved mine before I got pregnant again so it's been a bit of an atypical extended episode. However despite the fact that I have a previous history of depression I *didn't* get PND after I had Maya so anything is possible! And if the circumstances surrounding your birth etc. were less traumatic you might not have developed PND this time so if things go more smoothly next time you might not get PND.

Don't ever worry that you don't love your baby fully tho, you do, it's just sometimes the bonding thing doesn't happen quite the way it does in the movies. For me the hardest part was that I *did* bond instantly with Maya and was besotted with her from the moment she was born so I was acutely aware that it was different with the gremlins. My entire pregnancy I was convinced they were going to die, and I can remember in the delivery room after I had this brilliant, uncomplicated normal delivery feeling completely shell shocked that I now had these two little creatures coz up until that point I hadn't for one minute considered the possibility that they would be born alive. That feeling of shock persisted for months, especially with their health problems - Mercedes had a habit of stopping breathing quite randomly (apnoeas) and that only validated my fear that I would lose them. But I always loved them, even when I didn't know I did.

The most important thing I think when planning another pregnancy (aside from planning it so you're not smack bang in the middle of PND like I did!) is to make sure you have lots of support in place *before* you get pregnant and during the pregnancy. Pregnancy/birth will be a particularly stressful time for you with the PTSD associations so setting up some coping strategies beforehand can help address that. That's what has made this time round much more positive for me - even tho I am "sicker" than I was after I had the gremlins in terms of the depression etc, I have so much more professional support that I don't feel like I am in it all on my own.

I am also blessed to have an amazing group of friends who go out of their way to make my life easier, and like Monicamouse said, that means so much. Even tho a lot of them don't understand what it's like, they try and it makes me feel so valued even when I don't like myself very much.

kellz, thanks for sharing your story! sounds like you had a very hard time too. Gawd how awful having to come off anti-depressants cold turkey! And having allergic reactions to them!

Sounds like everyone seemed to find help with MMH and stuff. I had plunkets post-natal adjustment team come out for a visit and she is gonna recommend I go to a mothers and babies unit and maternal mental health. It sounds pretty intense...though it didn't help when she said they send the top 3% of people there (cool so Im 97% more psycho than the rest of the world...thanks, good to know!!!) It's strange cuz I don't think I'm that bad. I don't drink/do drugs to make things feel better, Ive never thought about physically hurting myself or my baby...when the feeding goes bad sometimes I cant handle her and I sit there and cry with her and once I thought about leaving her on the lift...so maybe I'm a little nuts but surely not seriously so?

I live with my mum at the moment, and DH and brother who has issues of his own. We moved here to help care for my brother as my mum goes away often and cant look after him. Mums been 'through the system' with Harley (my bro) so hasn't got much faith in them. Shes relly anti me getting help, to the point where she came downstairs while i was talking with the plunket lady and told her there was nothing wrong with me and she was wasting her time. (while Im sitting there in tears...hmmm...)

Thanks Emma (oops I think I called you Maya in a previous post!). I do like to think if it wasnt for the birth that Id be ok. I always feared Id get PND. Geez it seems everything I was scared of has come true with this pregnancy and baby!

Righto a certain lil miss requires some boobie...will be back later...

Thats like me- I had a fear of things going wrong and me getting pnd cos of family history of depression,..and yeah,..here I am!
I wasnt using drugs/alcohol or putting myself or my baby at risk either. I was very stressed, very anxious, very sleep deprived, extremely tearful, and thinking the worst of everything, but was still able to care for Isla. I dont think anyone ever feared for her safety at all.

They are just offering u the help to support u now so things dont end up worse. Take all the help you are offered I say! Better to have all the supports happening, rather than waiting til things to get worse before u get help.

If u live in Chch, the Mothers and babies unit there is really good, so Ive heard from people who have been there who I chat with on a pnd forum.


I just started to write about the OD to explain that I wasnt feeling suicidial until the point where I actual took the OD, which was after an incident with a family memeber. This was the last straw, and I felt like the world would be so much better for all my loved ones, if the burdeon of having me in their lives was gone.
I wont go into any more details- Its a bit graphic so will delete.
I was very sick. My thinking was completely warped. I can see that now. I so glad I made it through. My baby needs me, and now she has me back

We went to the Waikato mothecraft unit too!

Snap! Lil miss had her 12 week jabs today. Yes, yes I know, only 6 weeks late lol but it's taken me this long to be brave enough coz every time I made the appt she got sick so I got too scared to make another appt . Still, they're done now, and she spiked a nasty temp of 38.6 degrees but some pamol and a bath brought it down and she's asleep.

The respite nurse from MMH is here tonight so if baby is too unsettled she will rock her in the hammock.

Well done for looking at your notes! It must have taken a lot of nerve. I have similar issues with baby pics of the gremlins, I can't look at them without getting anxious coz it triggers flashbacks of all the bad stuff that happened then, but I'm getting braver with time. I've started doing scrapbooking and working thru their baby photos one by one which I'm finding quite therapeutic.

Hope Charli-Rose has a settled night for you!

AzzaNZ, I'm sorry, I just can't get over the fact that your family expected you to keep them entertained and 'kept' for not only a)just after you had had a baby, but b) whilst you were recovering from surgery! Your poor thing. I completely understand the fear of another bout with a second child. I always knew I was high risk, and thought I knew the signs, but put a lot of it down to just being tired. If there is a next time, I'm making sure that DH knows what to look out for too.