Postpartum doulas share gentle advice for sleep deprived parents

Postpartum doulas Jessica Prescott and Vaughne Geary from Mama Goodness share their gentle wisdom for sleep-deprived parents.

On average, new mothers lose 700 hours of sleep in the first year of their baby’s life. In a society that measures success on how well your baby sleeps through the night, it can be hard not to feel like you are failing when your baby wants to be attached to your boob (or simply gazing at you as they babble away), all night, every night.

Parents have been known to do clumsy and unsafe things due to sleep deprivation. Leaving the keys in the front door is a popular one, as is almost falling asleep at the wheel or forgetting to turn off the stove. Something less openly discussed is that sleep deprivation can cause resentment, irritability, anger and rage, which can come as a shock to those of us who never experienced those feelings before.

While we can’t help with baby’s frequent waking (which, by the way, is biologically normal and developmentally important), we do have some tips on how to manage parental sleep deprivation.

RESTORATIVE REST

Sleepless nights and long days with your baby can take their toll on your body and brain, and longstanding sleep deprivation puts parents at risk of both physical and mental health issues. When possible (and we know it’s not always going to be), try to nap when your baby naps. This may only be for 15 minutes, once or twice per week, but every small amount of rest for your brain provides a multitude of benefits for your overall health.

If you are unable to sleep while your baby sleeps, resting while your baby sleeps is the next best thing.

Lowering the lights and laying on the bed or couch near your baby, or on the floor with your legs up the wall can be incredibly therapeutic and restful if you allow yourself the time and space to do so. Stanford neuroscientist and researcher Dr Andrew Huberman recommends practising restorative rest, such as doing guided meditation, breathwork or yoga nidra, which helps us to focus less on our busy mind, and more on our body. These practises activate the parasympathetic nervous system and reduce stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol.

TAG TEAM

Whether it’s sleeping in after tending to your baby all night, or taking the night in shifts, come up with a way that your partner can support you that works for your unique family constellation. Some partners get up early after the baby’s morning feed, allowing mum to sleep until they have to go to work, or until the baby’s next feed. (Brownie points if you return the baby with breakfast and tea/coffee for mama.)

Other families have an agreement where one parent handles bedtime until 2 am and the other handles 2 am until morning, or they alternate night on/night off. Some parents do the night shifts together, with one feeding and the other burping/changing and settling.

Of course this will be different again if you have multiple children who are waking through the night, and you may find yourself sleeping in one room with your baby, while your partner sleeps in another room with your other kiddos. Know that this is normal and families all around the world are doing the same thing. Whatever you can do to maximise sleep, do it!

TAKE A REVERSE SLEEP-IN

Popularised by our friend Naomi Chrisoulakis, a reverse sleep-in is another way of saying early night. It involves going to bed very early to catch up on the hours of sleep you miss during the night. Naomi swears by doing this at least two nights a week, and has started a small revolution with other mothers in our community who now rely on this simple but genius idea to stay on top of sleep debt.

LET THE SUNSHINE IN

Modern humans spend an absurd amount of time indoors. While inside light provides few more benefits than improved eyesight, the natural beauty of the sun activates a number of hormones and health benefits in your body by triggering certain areas in your retina.

Exposure to natural sunlight on your face, especially first thing in the morning, kickstarts the body’s innate body clock and circadian rhythm which allows us to create therapeutic amounts of waking, sleeping and mood regulating hormones (cortisol, melatonin and serotonin). Providing our body with the benefits of sunlight every morning allows it to create a healthy pattern of energy production, sleep encouragement and overall mood enhancement. 

AVOID BLUE LIGHT DURING NIGHTTIME FEEDS

It’s all good and well for us to say ‘Don’t look at your phone while you’re feeding your baby’, but we know this isn’t a reality for most people. Many parents need stimulation during night feeds to either stay awake or relieve the boredom and/or loneliness that can come from feeding for hours on end. Blue light from our phones and laptops is beneficial during the daytime as it boosts attention, however it also suppresses melatonin production, which is our natural ‘sleep’ hormone, meaning time spent on your phone while feeding can make it more difficult to fall back asleep with ease, even when you are tired. If you are able to relax with a podcast or audiobook in your ears, great. If you need something more stimulating to stop you nodding off and find yourself scrolling on your phone or tablet, you can download blue light blocking filters on your device and also buy blue light blocking glasses.

HOT TIPS FOR TOUGH MOMENTS

Have an agreement that nothing that gets said between you and your partner in the middle of the night counts. You are likely to call them a multitude of names on more than one occasion, either because nothing they are trying to do is helping, or because they are snoring in ignorant bliss while you nurse your baby for hours on end. In some homes, this may even (need to) extend to ‘Nothing that gets said before my morning coffee counts’.

REMEMBER, IT'S A SEASON

It can be hard not to get carried away with the intensity of sleep deprivation, especially when you’ve got half of society asking if your baby is sleeping through the night yet and the other reminding you that it’s normal and you can expect to be tired for the next few years of their life. Argghhh!

In these moments, remember, everything is a season. Every season has beautiful parts and difficult parts. 

It can be tricky to not get caught up in the relentlessness of it all – especially the sleeplessness and clinginess. When you’re in the thick of it, remind yourself that ‘this too shall pass’ and if you can, look at the situation from your child’s point of view. Reframing the situation will prevent you from taking the behaviours of your child so personally, and arm you with the tools to help them. Perspective is everything.

MEANINGLESS LISTS FOR RACING MINDS

When you want to sleep but are being kept awake by racing thoughts, there are a number of techniques you can use to create calm and quiet in your mind. One of our favourites is the use of meaningless lists. Start with a theme – it may be an everyday theme, such as baby names, produce or animals, or it may be something more specific to your field of interest, such as films, books, plants, artists or athletes.

Go through the alphabet, thinking of two or three things for each letter – for example, Apple, Apricot, Avocado, Banana, Broccoli, Beans, Carrot, Cabbage, Capsicum and so on. If you get stuck on a letter, simply skip it and carry on.

You might get interrupted by a baby or a thought prompted by one of the words on your list that causes another stream of racing thoughts. When you notice this has happened, simply pick another letter and start again.

A NOTE ON SLEEP TRAINING

Of all the topics in parenthood, sleep training might just be the most contentious. We live in a world where normal infant sleep has been pathologised, and from the moment they are born, we are asked how our babies are sleeping. While it is normal for babies and children to wake multiple times through the night until they are three to four years old, there are very few support systems for those who tend to these tiny, wakeful humans. As such, infant sleep is a multibillion-dollar industry with books, consultants, courses and gadgets dedicated to achieving the holy grail of parenting – a baby who sleeps through the night.

We understand the need for sleep, especially when you must return to work or when your mental health is waning due to sleep deprivation. If your family is struggling with sleep deprivation and you wish to seek out the assistance of a sleep consultant, we encourage the guidance of a qualified holistic sleep coach or specialist, who will take into account the developmental stage of your baby and your family dynamic. They will also assess the sleeping arrangements, psychological and emotional needs of everyone in the family and come up with an individualised plan that you can take at your own pace, honouring you as the true expert of your own baby. They will teach you about things such as sleep associations and how to see your child’s cries as a means of communication, not manipulation. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, therefore the right holistic guide will support you through the many shades of grey until you find an approach that fits your family.

P.S. Don’t worry, most people we know can’t put their babies down ‘drowsy but awake’ either.

P.P.S. None of what we share here is meant to shame or judge, but rather provide you with all the info so you can make an informed decision about how to tackle your child’s sleep.

TIPS FOR GOOD SLEEP HABITS

Being aware of sleep hygiene will ensure that when sleep is available it is good quality and restorative. Here are some strategies to support better sleep patterns...


 Swap out screens: Instead of scrolling on your phone, try reading a book or listening to a guided meditation to reduce hyper-stimulation and allow your body to wind down.

 Eat well: For dinner, aim to eat a quality meal that contains protein, healthy fats and complex carbohydrates to regulate blood sugar throughout the night.

 Ditch caffeine: Avoid drinks such as caffeinated tea, coffee, as well as soft drinks after 2 pm and then in the evenings opt for a chamomile, lemon balm or sleepy tea.

 Take magnesium: Try taking a magnesium supplement (glycinate is best) to support your body to create and regulate ‘GABA’ –  a neurotransmitter that supports the reduction of anxiety and sleep disturbances. It also supports the relaxation of muscles to reduce physical feelings of tension and restless legs, helping you drift off more easily. 

 MOOD SHIFTERS

We’ve already discussed the importance of exercise, but we wanted to take a moment to mention all the other ways you can shift your mood when you’re exhausted or in a funk.

 Movement: This can be a few light stretches, a walk around the block or a boogie to your favourite song. Whatever you choose, movement gets you out of your head and into your body. It releases stagnant energy and encourages the production of endorphins – chemical messengers that promote feelings of wellbeing and pleasure, while reducing feelings of pain and discomfort.

 Music: The benefits of musical therapy have been witnessed in various cultures for eons. Music has the ability to reduce anxiety and depression and increase wellbeing. For you, this might involve playing an instrument or listening to your favourite artist or playlist. Be selective of the volume and pace and turn it up or down depending on whether you need grounding or a boost.

 Nature and fresh air: For both mothers and their children, stepping outside for some space and fresh air can do serious wonders for the nervous system. Studies have shown that when people spend time outdoors, especially in nature and green spaces, it improves memory and attention span, while decreasing mental distress. ‘Biophilia’ is the innate drive to connect with nature and other living beings. This is backed up by stress reduction and attention restoration theories, which indicate that time spent outdoors lowers stress and restores concentration.

 Water: Both cold and warm water immersion has noted benefits for supporting the nervous system and reducing stress, due to its ability to reduce stress hormones, including cortisol and adrenaline, while relaxing muscles and reducing pain.

 Ritual: Whether you know it or not, you probably have lots of rituals you observe throughout your day. From preparing your first cup of tea in the silence of the morning to layering on your favourite skincare before hopping into bed at night, rituals can make you feel calm and grounded in a time when the rest of your world feels out of control. They don’t need to be ‘woo-woo’, they simply (but oh-so-powerfully) bring meaning and purpose when life feels otherwise mundane. Some other examples include journalling, lighting a candle, diffusing essential oils, soaking in a warm bath, pulling tarot cards, or listening to a guided meditation.

This is an edited extract from Life After Birth by Jessica Prescott and Vaughne Geary. Photographer: Jessica Prescott.