Sex therapist: advice for managing libido differences with your partner
Want to know how to manage libido differences with your partner after babies? Sex therapist, Jo Robertson explains.
Oh, the mysterious libido – it’s like an exotic animal we are all trying to catch and understand. First up, differences in libido between two partners is normal, most couples have different levels of desire and there is nothing wrong with this. Because of our society however – mainly the messages we get from media – we are led to believe that the person with a lower libido is 'abnormal' or that the relationship is flawed because of the mismatch. This is very problematic. Libido can decline for multiple valid reasons and there is nothing wrong with differing levels, it just requires some navigating. Managing libido differences postpartum comes down to four key things – knowledge, empathy, communication and commitment. Knowledge is an understanding of what is going on after you have a baby, empathy is seeing the others person's perspective, communication is talking about what intimacy means for both of you, and commitment is taking action in your relationship that will take you closer to the dream you have for future intimacy. Let’s get into the ‘knowledge’ piece, what are the things that influence libido?
AGE
If having children is happening later in life, then it’s helpful to know that from approximately 40 years, men start losing testosterone which can lower libido. For women, menopause can hit anytime from 30, and when it does it lowers the female sex hormone oestrogen which also lowers libido.
HORMONES
This is the biggie after having babies. Breastfeeding significantly lowers oestrogen which can lead to little to no sex drive, and less self-lubrication (wetness) – meaning sex needs to be slower or it can be uncomfortable, and a struggle to get to climax. As a sex therapist, I observe women, both breastfeeding and not, taking a couple of years to feel back to their 'normal' self after having a baby. They begin to have more energy, feel a bit more independent, and their body has had sufficient time to re-strengthen. However, in many instances this is when baby number 2/3/4 is coming along so it can be many years of lowered libido, tiredness, and challenges. It’s okay – there are still some strategies to help!
WELLNESS
Often a concept left at the door when talking about intimacy – how are you feeling? What are your stress levels? How is your sleep? Do you exercise? How is your diet? How often do you see friends? Where are the pressure points in your life? Libido is influenced by all of these. Couples often want a ‘quick fix’ to their sex life issues, rather than wanting to look at the whole picture of their lives and what is or isn’t working for them. Stress or tiredness aren’t always avoidable, but how can we make your intimacy more relaxing and what can we do differently the day of to rest your body and mind? For example, I am a big fan of scheduled sex for busy parents – one time a week that they have set aside for emotional and physical connection with each other, whether that includes intercourse or not. Plan it for a time which is less stressful in the week, whether you have a drink to unwind, use screen time for the kids so that you can chat with each other, or get takeaways so you don’t have to deal with the dishes that night. Having a weekly date night out is not achievable for most parents, nor is having nights away at a hotel. So, what can we do in the home environment to make your sexy day also a soothing day? Diet is a scary topic, one that can bring feelings of shame or trauma. So, I tread carefully, and lovingly, in encouraging you to consider your diet as an influence on libido. This can be ‘big picture’ diet, eg if someone’s body isn’t feeling well its unlikely to have the energy required to desire sex more frequently. It can also be ‘little picture’ diet, eating a big meal leaves someone feeling more lethargic as the body is using a lot of energy to process the food. This can be inhibiting on the energy you have going into intimacy after the meal – something to ponder.
MEDICATION
There are two common medications women use after having a baby that are often essential, but CAN interfere with libido. These are the contraceptive pill, and SSRIs which are prescribed for post-natal depression. Lowered libido with these is not universal, many women go on these medications without impacts on their libido, but as with many things – knowledge is power. Simply being aware of the potential influence helps you make an informed decision, and can give you an understanding if your body reacts in a particular way. People very quickly feel shame when they have a low libido, but in some cases, this is an unavoidable dynamic that no one is to blame for.
RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION
Do you like each other as friends? Do you feel safe with each other? Do you both feel respected? Is there care and attention in the relationship? Is there trust? Do you feel affirmed by one another? If “not really” is the answer to any of these questions, libido is less likely to come to the party. You need to like the person you are hoping to desire, if there’s unresolved pain and conflict, sex can be a challenge until it's worked through.
SEXUAL SATISFACTION
You know that saying 'You’re only as good as your last performance'? This can be somewhat the same for intimacy. If most of someone’s sexual memories are good/fun/pleasurable/connecting then the body has learnt over time to pursue it. If many of the sexual memories drawn on are painful/awkward/boring/robotic then the body isn’t about to build up desire for it, and it's going to shut down advances for going there in the future. We teach the body what to want, that’s why we all keep going back to chocolate… because YUM, it's good every time!
WHAT'S NORMAL?
Professionals are generally reluctant to share what’s ‘normal’ because there is such a wide range of healthy sexual behaviors. It is very important couples make decisions based on their own hopes, aspirations or libidos – not based on what society or 'norms' tell them to do. However, for some, hearing averages helps them relax, or for others, it prompts them to get help. So, I, somewhat hesitantly, share the data…
Over the last two decades much research has been conducted into sexual frequency. Research consistently has the same outcomes – everyone is having less intercourse than they used to. Some research suggests this means people may be becoming more creative in their sexual play, not focusing as much on intercourse. That would be great news to sex therapists like me! One piece of research stated that among heterosexual cis-gendered adults ages 18–49, people had penile vaginal intercourse 47 times per year on average. That’s roughly once a week over a year, with a few missed weeks because of sickness or time apart. Because this is an average, it means that for some sex is more frequent, and for others it's less. As a sex therapist, and mum of three, I would argue that the postpartum seasons are the most difficult for your sex life, and sex for many people is less frequent than the average.
WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT LOW LIBIDO?
Hopefully with some of the above information you’ve been able to reflect on what may be happening in your relationship, which may give you an indicator of what to act on. Communication is essential in mismatched libido. Questions to ask each other:
- How do you feel about our sex life recently?
- What would you like it to look like (if different)?
- What could I do to make you feel more loved and desired?
- When we are intimate what do you value most?
- Which part of our intimacy is the most pleasurable for you?
These can feel scary to ask, because maybe they or you will have to say something challenging, that for some feels like rejection. Remember this quote “Sometimes the most important conversations are the ones most difficult to engage in”. An app that is helpful for couples to explore what’s going on in their sex life is Card Decks by The Gottman Institute. This offers lots of question prompts, can be done over a date night, and can feel safer than bringing up your own questions. If you or your partner are struggling with libido, I recommend showing them this article. If only one of you has an understanding of the influences on libido, it can become a point of conflict in the relationship, or even build resentment long term.
And finally, if you are wanting to rebuild some desire in your relationship and get to some more pleasurable intimacy, then (as shocking as it may sound) stop having intercourse. Go back to the basics: give each other massages, have showers together, kiss for at least six seconds. Those basics are the building blocks of desire, and putting a boundary in place like ‘no intercourse’ can bring creativity and excitement to the relationship. I recommend pushing pause on intercourse for at least two months and dedicating at least one night a week to 'play'.
TRAUMA WARNING
If you are someone who has experienced sexual trauma there are three common times where you are more likely to be triggered back into that, have dreams about it, or spontaneously start wanting to process it:
- When you next become sexually active
- When you have a baby
- When your child is the age you were when you experienced trauma
Many pregnant women have come to me over the years saying that they don’t understand why suddenly they are reliving some historical sexual experiences. When you are having a baby – you are becoming a caretaker, you are growing into a protective version of yourself. It makes sense that your trauma is coming to the fore, and if you’ve never met and talked with someone about it, this may be the time to do so.
A PICTURE OF THE PERFECT SEX LIFE
First up, there’s no ‘perfect’ sex life, I’ve never seen that occur in years of being a sex therapist. The way I see sex over a long term committed relationship is that it’s like walking through a forest with your partner. There are times you walk through the forest together and the path is clear, it's easy to identify, there might even be some sun shining through, you can just enjoy the scenery. There are other times where it’s a bit overgrown, you find it hard to identify where to go next, and there may be some roots you trip over. The point is that through the different seasons, you walk through TOGETHER, hand in hand helping each other along the path. There are seasons you will enjoy, get more pleasure from, and find smooth in your sex life. Others will be more challenging, you will have to focus more or become more intentional. These are the ‘team’ seasons, where you ideally tap into each other as teammates and know that a different season is coming. What helps us get to the next season? Knowledge, empathy, communication and commitment.
Jo Robertson is a sex therapist with a focus on helping couples restore intimacy, or with problematic sexual behaviours. Jo lives in Auckland with her husband Dave and their three young boys. jorobertson.org.
