Tips for parenting the different personalities in your family

There are some pretty big personalities in our family. Our three girls regularly display the full range of emotions with impressive enthusiasm. I’ve often wondered how each of my children ended up with the personalities they did, all so different from each other, even with the same upbringing. Not only are they so different from each other but also from us, their parents.

To a large degree, personalities are determined by birth order in the family - firstborns tend to be reliable, conscientious, and like to achieve. Middle children often have lots of friends, are people pleasers, and like to keep the peace. Then there’s the baby of the family who is commonly fun-loving, uncomplicated and enjoys the spotlight. As well as birth order being a factor for how our children behave, they each have a certain personality type and even at a very young age these can be seen.

For thousands of years people have been fascinated by the different temperaments humans possess, and what makes them the way they are. The Greek physician Hippocrates is well known for developing ‘the four temperaments’ that suggest that there are four fundamental personality types. These he labelled sanguine (enthusiastic, active, and social), choleric (short-tempered, fast, or irritable), melancholic (analytical, wise, and quiet) and phlegmatic (relaxed and peaceful). Since Hippocrates’ day there have been many different theories about human temperament and personality types. One of these theories, developed by Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent from the Smalley Institute in Texas, describes four personality types based around common animals: otter, lion, golden retriever, and beaver. These are fun and are easy to communicate to children. Discovering what ‘animal’ your child is can give you some insight into why they are the way they are. While many children will have characteristics of more than one personality type, generally they will all have one that is dominant. 

Understanding your child’s personality type can help you to parent in a way which meets their specific needs and makes them feel loved and valued. My nine year old, for example, is a classic golden retriever personality and I know I can make her day just by praising her for something she’s done. My ten year old on the other hand would much rather I gave her a responsibility or a ‘job’ that made her feel grown up. Knowing these kinds of things about my kids makes life much easier for all of us. I think being parents we have this notion about wanting to treat all our children the same, but the reality is they are all so different and what they need is to be loved in the unique ways that their personalities are longing for.

I’ve heard it talked about from a number of friends, and have also noticed myself that as parents, we often have one child in particular that we click with more so than the others, and while it is a positive thing that we get along with them so well it can cause us to feel guilty that we don’t connect with all our children in this way. Once we understand that it’s not that we have a ‘favourite’ but that our personalities may just match more easily with that child, we can enjoy the relationship we have with them while also learning how to connect with our other kids in the ways that they respond best to.

Because understanding ourselves is key to understanding those around us, it’s helpful to know what personality type we are. You will notice that it is often easier to parent a child who has a similar personality to you. Our biggest struggles are often with the children who act and think so differently to us. Understanding our different needs can help us to bridge the gap and can make for a much happier home. Have a look at the four personality types below to see which one you and your child/children might fit into.

LION
Likes to lead
Strong willed
Asks lots of ‘why’ questions
Likes to win, and hates losing
Can upset others by speaking too directly
Likes to be in charge when playing
Becomes upset if something is not fair
Confident in new situations

OTTER
Great imagination
Easily distracted
Enjoys fantasy play/dressing up
Likes free drawing on blank paper
Always has new ideas about games to play or how to do things
Takes part in a wide variety of differing activities
Daydreamer, so much so that you wonder about their hearing ability

GOLDEN RETRIEVER
Kind and affectionate
Wants to please
Compliant
Lets others choose what games to play
Becomes upset by conflict or shouting
Can be clingy when you try to leave
Loves having friends
Displays ‘quiet’ resistance

BEAVER
Follows the rules and makes sure others do too
Likes to organise their toys (lines them up in rows)
Asks lots of ‘how’ questions
Gets upset at change and unpredictability
Gets upset if arriving late
Loves factual books
Draws realistic images
Observes others and takes part when they know how

WHAT YOUR LION CHILD NEEDS
To be listened to
Control of something age-appropriate
Involvement in rulemaking
To discuss expectations
Praise for achievements
To be offered challenges

WHAT YOUR OTTER CHILD NEEDS
Choices and problem solving options
Opportunity to learn from their mistakes
To understand that consequences apply
Reward with fun
Opportunities to be creative
Praise for originality

WHAT YOUR GOLDEN RETRIEVER CHILD NEEDS 
A LOT of praise
To be encouraged, not growled at
Affection and a warm tone of voice
Time to express their feelings
Lots of opportunities to make a decision
A calm environment

WHAT YOUR BEAVER CHILD NEEDS
A predictable environment - a plan for the day
Consistently applied rules
Specific praise for a job well done
Familiarity
Activities to keep them busy
Encouragement to try new things
Step by step instructions so they get it right first time